College Parent Central Podcast

#156 - Encore: Let's Talk About Senior Summer

• Vicki Nelson, Lynn Abrahams, Elizabeth Hamblet • Season 7 • Episode 156

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The summer between high school and college isn't just busy—it's a profound transition that transforms both students and parents. This emotional crossroads, where students are "no longer" in high school but "not yet" in college, demands navigation through unfamiliar territory. We did a bit of a turn for this episode as Lynn interviewed Vicki about her new E-book, The Summer Before College: A Parent's Survival Guide from Deposit to Move-In. The book is a comprehensive guide that walks parents step-by-step through the entire senior summer timeline. From the Deposit to the tearful (or celebratory!) drive home after Move-in Day, the book offers a roadmap for parents feeling overwhelmed by this transitional period. In this episode we talk about the crucial shift parents must make from caretakers to coaches, how to guide without controlling, support without hovering, and listen without immediately jumping to advice-giving. The conversation explores specific strategies for developing these skills, including thoughtful questions to ask your student and communication techniques that foster independence while maintaining connection.

Thank you for listening!

Welcome And Host Backgrounds

SPEAKER_03

Welcome to the College Parent Central Podcast. Whether your child is just beginning the college admission process or is already in college, this podcast is for you. You'll find food for thought and information about college and about navigating that delicate balance of guidance, involvement, and knowing when to get out of the way. Join your hosts, Vicki Nelson and Lynn Abrahams, as they share support and a celebration of the amazing experience of having a child in college.

SPEAKER_00

Welcome to the College Parent Central Podcast. This is the place where we talk about all things connected to parenting our kids as they make that transition to college. My name is Lynn Abrahams, and I am a learning disability specialist, have worked with college students for my whole career. And I am here not only with my colleague and friend, but with the person who I will be interviewing for this podcast. So, Vicky, why don't you first explain who you are, and then I'll talk about what we're going to talk about.

SPEAKER_02

So my name is Vicki Nelson. I am the co-host of the College Parent Central podcast along with Lynn and occasional other co-hosts that join us. And I am a college professor of communication, and I have been doing that for many years. And so I work with students every day, and I see the things that work and I see the things that sometimes cause them to struggle. And uh in addition to that, I am the mother of three daughters who have gone to college. So as Lynn and I always say, we both come to this podcast, both with our professional hat on, having worked with college students, and also our parent hat on, because we know it was overwhelming for us when we were just starting out, sending that first student to college. And so I remember that's what got us started saying if this is overwhelming for us and we work in higher ed, what must it be like for everybody else?

SPEAKER_00

Yes. And the the purpose of this episode is going to be to talk a little bit about a new e-book that has just come out. And it is by Vicki Nelson. And the name of the book is The Summer Before College, a parent survival guide from deposit to move in. And I would like to say that first, this is an amazing um compilation of such good information, focusing on the summer before college, which is the craziest time in the world. Okay. Um, but I would like to say that, you know, this ebook is a fabulous read. It's easy to understand, it's well organized, it's

Why The Ebook Exists

SPEAKER_00

it's just got some great stuff for parents. And I guess, Vicky, I just first want to ask you, you know, how how did you come to do this? I've been pushing you for a long time.

SPEAKER_02

I was just gonna say I came to do it because you made me do it.

SPEAKER_01

Right.

SPEAKER_02

Uh so thank you for those very kind words coming from someone who's completely unbiased. That's what I thought. Um yeah, well, you were uh instrumental in having this happen. I I started College Parents Central as a as a blog, as a website in 2009. So um I've been at this for a while, and the the website now has uh approximately a little over 900 articles over over the years, you know, gradually and slowly, one article at a time. Uh on anything that you know, I encounter something with a student and I write a post about it, or I, you know, I see something that's a problem, and it's an advice. Uh I you know, I used to want to say advice column, but that dates me of thinking about newspapers. But it it's to information for college parents to make the journey work. And you have been telling me for a while now we should take this information and put it in, put it, pull it together. Um, because it's you know, it's wonderful to just bounce around a website and read a post here and an article there. Um, but sometimes you want everything in one place. And we have talked, Lynn, you and I have talked multiple times about how important this summer before college is. Um, it's that transition summer, it's that summer of, you know, I sometimes term it like a crossroads of the crossroads between no longer and not yet. The the students aren't high school anymore, but they're not they're not in college. So they've got a lot emotionally going on, but it's also a summer when there's so much that has to get done. And I think what happens sometimes is as parents, we make it through graduation. The you know, the spring of senior year is crazy. You've got senior events going on and senior trips and proms and you know, all of this, and then there's graduation, and that has some mixed emotions, but you know, that's that's a wonderful time. And then you just want to you just want to relax and and sit back, and students want to, you know, just enjoy this summer that they have before they go to college, but there's a lot that has to happen. So so I try to take some of the uh some of the information uh that uh I know matters in the summer and pull it all together in one place so that um parents can have it in one place and not have to look all over to see what they need to do and and to think about the things that they might easily forget need to be something for the summer.

SPEAKER_00

And and not just forget, but know to for the to know. I I I remember feeling like I just did not know what to expect when I was in that situation. Um, I certainly didn't expect how crazy that summer was and how emotional, you know, it was. Um, but in particular for first parents, for parents who have their first kids going off, um, this is a very well organized approach to what happens before and through move-in day. Um, can you tell us a little bit about just how you organized all this information?

SPEAKER_02

Um, well, that was that was the challenge when I started. And it interestingly, it was complete organized completely differently when I started. I was thinking in terms of, okay, what do parents need to do? What do parents need to think about? What do students need to do? What do students need to think about? What conversations do they need to have? And so I kind of kind of at some point it just clicked um that wait a minute, it would make more sense to think through think through the summer as you move through the summer. Right. So this all really starts with deposit. You know, up until then it's all about applying and making the decision and waiting and all. And then then that May 1st deadline comes along and students make their deposit. Now it's real. You know where you're going

A Timeline From Deposit On

SPEAKER_02

to be, you you know you're in, you've made the deposit, and you start getting different kinds of information from the school. And a a lot, I mean, the the amount of information that students and parents receive, and mostly students receive over the summer, is huge. So then I decided to just set it up uh chronologically. So it starts with uh a section on you know, just what to expect, what's this summer going to be like? Uh, Lynn, you just mentioned how emotional it is. And and so, you know, what to think what what what do you think this summer is is going to be like? And then it's got a second part that you know are the things the things that have to happen right away. And I I sometimes I've I think parents aren't and students aren't aware of the timing. So this email comes and it says you should do this, you know, fill out this survey about classes. This is for students, fill out the survey about classes, and students say, I don't want to think about that right now. I'm gonna do it a little later. But really, the college needs that information right away because that's how they begin to think about the students' schedule for fall. And different colleges do schedules differently, but they need that information right away. So so after thinking about what to expect, the first thing is, okay, what do you need to do right away? And you it may your student may not even have graduated yet, but this is to happen right away. So so there's a section on on that, and then you move toward kind of the middle of the summer, and that's that's the section of things that can happen throughout the summer. You know, you just chip away a little bit, and it's not going to feel as overwhelming as it might otherwise. Um, and then the the last part of summer sort of okay, now it's really time to get ready. And there's some things that need to happen closer to when it's going to be time to go. And then thinking about sending them off, and that's move-in day, and you know, waving goodbye and crying some tears, or or not, or cheering in the car on the way home, whatever the case may be. Um, so there's that end of summer. And then I I tacked on a little section at the end. It's not technically summer, but um, you know, kind of on the home front, once you get home, um, just a few things to think about as you as you parent make that transition from uh, you know, all the focus on sending them off, and now you come home. And for some parents, it's an empty nest or emptier. Uh, and just a few things to think about and do uh as you wind down summer. So it's it's it's meant to be chronological. Um, you can read it along as the summer goes along, look at it at the beginning of the summer for um a preview of what's down the road.

SPEAKER_00

You know, one thing you and I talk a lot about is the role of parents in terms of that shift from, you know, the day-to-day caretaking kind of thing to to being on the sidelines and and coaching. Um, it strikes me that this ebook that that has just come out is a really good way for parents. It's it's to the parents, not to the students, really, but it's a good way for parents to know what's coming so that they can then shift into being the coach. Because how how do you support your kids if you don't really know what's happening? You know what I mean? So this is a very clear description of what happens at each, you know, section. But, anyways, can you talk a little bit more about that shift of parenting?

Parenting Shift To Coaching

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, oh boy, you know, I don't think there has been a podcast episode that we've done that we haven't talked about shifting from caretaking to coaching. Um, and the workshop that we sometimes do with you know with school groups or or whatever is called caretaking to coaching.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Um, because when when you're when your student is living at home, you know, in high school, even when they're fairly independent, and some high school students are very independent, you're still the caretaker. Um often parents are the keeper of the master calendar that's on the wall in the kitchen or on the fridge or something to know who's going where and when, and um keeping track of those dentist appointments and doctor appointments, and you know, when the student heads out, it's you know, where are you going and who you're going with and who's driving, and when are you going to be home, or this is when you'll be home, or um, those sorts of things, and trying to keep track of what's going on in the household. So that that caretaking role is really where we live when the student is living home. And then when they go to college, they're on their own. And it it's changing a little bit, but the the message that so often goes to parents is okay, they're on their own, so you're done. So back off and don't be a helicopter parent, and your student will be fine. And really, you know, we you and I talk about it all the time. That's not true at all. It's just that the role changes, and it changes to a coach. Um on the sidelines, the coach doesn't play the game, but the coach is helping the athlete, the player, know what to do and is encouraging the player, or sometimes, you know, sometimes pulling them into the locker room and saying, now look, this is what you've got to change. This what you're the the the approach, the approach isn't working. You've got you've got to switch it. So I think if I don't know if parents can think about that role as being just as active a role, but just very different. Very different. It's it's hands off. But uh, you know, we often say good athletes often say, I couldn't have done it without my coach. I owe it all to my coach because they helped me get ready, they encouraged me, they, you know, they they kept me on track. So um I hopefully, as parents work their way through this sort of, I like to think of it as kind of a step-by-step, the book takes you step by step through the summer, and hopefully it helps them begin to make that transition and anticipate that transition over the summer as they have conversations with their student. And there are some things that parents need to do and some things that students need to do. Um, for instance, uh, you know, the roommate survey, which is often something students get early in the summer if they're living on campus. Um, please fill out, you know, are you are you a neat nick or are you a slob? And do you sleep with the shades pulled or the shades open? And do you do you like to study with music or not with music? Are you a smoker or not? Uh, you know, all of those sorts of questions. Students need to do that, not parents. And so that's a that's an opportunity for the parents to step back and say, nope, you need to fill this out, and you need to fill this out honestly, of who you really are, not who you wish you were, because then you're going to get put together with a roommate that's not going to be a match for you. But parents need to be prepared to say, and you don't have to show it to me. Fill it out and send it. Let me know that it's gone, um, or don't let me know. It's up to you. Um, but I don't want to see it because maybe you would be putting down different answers if you knew that I was going to look. So there are little opportunities like that, I think, throughout the summer, uh, for parents to say, nope, it's up to you.

SPEAKER_00

You know, one thing that you you tend to do is um outline some conversations that parents and students can have. And I find that to be really helpful because you even model in in some of your short chapters exactly what kind of questions to ask and how to do it in a way that is, you know, non-judgmental. And um, so I, you know, I I think that's a really helpful thing. Um, what kinds of, you know, what kinds of conversations do you think are really crucial in that summer?

SPEAKER_02

Oh, there's so many. And you know, I think I as much as I said there's hardly been a podcast episode that hasn't talked about caretaking to coaching, I'm quite positive there hasn't been a podcast episode that you and I haven't talked about. Have this conversation, have this conversation. You need to communicate. I think the communication, um, and and that hopefully

Conversations That Build Independence

SPEAKER_02

this summer also gives parents an opportunity to practice some of that that communication, to to really talk to students about things like what they expect college to be like, um, what their goals are. Um, why simple question, why are you going to college? That can be that's really one of the one of the first conversations to have. That interestingly, for so many families, as much as they've been immersed in this admissions process for the last two or more years, that question hasn't come up.

SPEAKER_00

I don't think I ever asked. I don't think I did either question.

SPEAKER_02

I didn't either. Why are you going to college? And and then that forces students to think a little bit while I'm going, because that's what people do. Well, do you have to? Do you want and and the point of the question is not to talk them out of going to college, but just to get them to think about, well, why am I going to college? Because that leads directly to, so then what are some of your goals? Um, what do you what do you want college to do for you? Are you going for personal fulfillment? Are you going for um social life? Are you going for career specific knowledge? All of those answers would lead you to different goals. And then parents can follow that up with another conversation about so what are your action plans to accomplish those goals? So, you know, if it's career, what are you going to do while you're at college to lead toward that career? Of course, it has to do with your choice of major. And then, well, then what kinds of classes are you hoping that you're going to be able to take? And are you going to try to volunteer somewhere or are you going to try to do an internship? Not to have a student plan out their entire college life, but just to begin to open the door to some of those conversations. Um thinking about roommate. Students dread, you know, the I'm I'm I know I'm going to get the roommate from hell. I just know, I know what's it going to be like. Because most kids have never shared a room with anybody, and certainly not a room that small, that is your living room and your bat and your kitchen and your study room and your bedroom and all of that. So they're worried about the roommate. And perhaps a conversation that a parent and student could have would be so, what are you going to do to be a good roommate? What makes a good roommate? And flipping the table a little bit to have the student think differently. So I think, yeah, there are a number of places in here where I've suggested maybe this is a good time to have a conversation about this. And that lays the groundwork. It's the foundation for the communication you're going to have with your student once they're away. Which you, Lynn, I know, have talked about once they go away. Some of those conversations are so rich because you've taken that caretaking piece out of it.

SPEAKER_00

Right.

SPEAKER_02

And you can just have interesting conversations.

SPEAKER_00

Well, one of the themes here is um learning how to listen. Um, you know, as a Parent, I think, especially when our kids are younger, you know, we spend so much time doing what we think parents should do. I mean, sort of telling them what to do, you know. But but as our students turn into, you know, adults, um, it's um it's so it's such a wonderful reminder to step back and listen um and ask questions and be curious about what your kids are thinking. And I loved reading books with my kids once they went away to school, and we could share, you know, what they were reading, and I would read it too. We would talk about it and you know, that kind of thing. Um, so there's a lot in here about how to

Listening Without Rushing To Fix

SPEAKER_00

shift your habits in communicating with your kids.

SPEAKER_02

Well, I am a communication professor. That is true. So there probably is a little bit little butt bias, a little leaning that way. But uh and I and listening is one of the things I teach in my communication classes, and it's one of the hardest things to do and do well. Um, in part, as you just said, we think it's part of our job description, and it is part of our job description to give advice. So when students are telling us whatever they're telling us, maybe we've asked a question, we're often busy thinking about what we're going to say, and we're really only half listening to what they're gonna say because we're all we we're listening with the intent to respond. So we're you know, we're we're busy thinking, well, then I'm gonna tell him this and then I'm gonna react that way, rather than really listening. And that kind of listening, where you really focus on hearing, um takes practice.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

So this is a good time. Summer is a great time uh in some some of the uh situations and topics here to really practice that full listening. Um and some parents talk about how, you know, my kid never talks to me. They never talk to me. And sometimes I think that's because they know we're not really listening. Um, we have the best of intentions. It's not that we don't care, but they know we're, you know, they're going to say something. And we're are we are we really going to hear what they're telling us? And so maybe experimenting a little bit with some new habits and ways of listening, of giving it space, giving it time, and um being a sounding board instead of coming in right away with the advice, um, asking whether they want our advice. You know, they lay something out to us, and and instead of coming right in and saying, Well, what you could do is this, or what you should do is this, sitting with it and then saying, Do you want my advice? Or do you just want me to hear what you have to say? Or or just sounding it back, you know, well, I'm I'm hearing you say that you know, that you really don't like that subject. And the student says, no, no, no, no, it's not that, it's that I don't like the professor. Um, and so it it's different, but it's so important.

SPEAKER_00

You know, it it occurs to me that the summer before college, uh there's a lot of material out there about students and the transition they're going through. But what you're addressing in this ebook is the shifts that parents are going through too. You know, that there are their shifting also from parenting a high school student to parenting a college student. One thing that you do in this ebook is give some real good information that parents don't know or may not know, and that helps with that shift. Like, you know, uh, you know, you write about FERPA in a way that makes sense.

SPEAKER_02

I knew you were going to think FERPA.

SPEAKER_00

And there are other things.

SPEAKER_02

I mean, what what other things can you think of that are in there that well you're right in in pointing out FERPA because FERPA is one of the most important ones, and and there is a a chapter on that understanding that when students go to college, the right to their academic information belongs to them and not to parents. Um, and then again, going back to conversations, that that it's important to have a conversation with your student. A lot of students have never heard of FERPA. So it if the information in that chapter here can help parents understand it. To explain it to their to then explain it to their students

FERPA HIPAA Money Emergencies

SPEAKER_02

and then decide together whether because it means, bottom line, it means that all academic information, including grades, are going to go to your student and not to the parent. And you can have a student sign a FERPA waiver, which says it's okay for you to release things like my grades to my parents. And many parents will say immediately, well, of course, sign this FERPA waiver because I want I want to see your grades. Um but then thinking about what message is that sending to my student? Is that saying I don't trust that when I say what are your grades, you're going to tell me? Um and and do is that the message that I want to send right away? So so again, that's that that's a a conversation. Um so the FERPA, um, and then there's some information about um health proxy and um HIPAA, that um, you know, if your student's in a car accident and um they're unconscious, um, the hospital can't tell you anything because they are, you know, legally um there's not a release. So you can there's some paperwork that you can do over the summer um that says that you know parents will can have access to that information in an in an emergency. Um some things about thinking thinking about a departure plan um for students, which which doesn't mean thinking about how you're gonna drop out of college. That's not what that's talking about, but it's it in an emergency. Does your student have a like a weather emergency or some kind of crisis on campus? Hurricane or you know, whatever. Um, does your student have a plan of what they're going to do if they have to leave campus? If the campus is evacuated for whatever reason? Um, and thinking now ahead of time, proactively, um let's plan together. What are you going to do? Um, you know, will you make sure you always have a little cash? Um, do you know where you'll go? Do we have relatives that live close or friends that live close to where you go to college that are willing that we could contact and say, in an emergency, would you be willing? Um, just that that's some of the information that that parents may not realize. There's some financial pieces to money stuff. Oh, yeah. Um, not only the big money, the tuition money, um, but many parents don't realize how many other small incremental fees there are going to be and other other costs and and how much textbooks cost. Um, I mean, it it's outrageous. Textbooks cost way too much, and and I think most of us agree about that, but we can't do anything about it. So if you have a student who has five classes and they need five, and subclasses require more than one book, and they need five books, it would not be unreasonable for it to cost four, five, six hundred dollars for a semester's books. Now you multiply that by eight semesters, and they can sell them back, but they usually don't get very much. Um, so anticipating some of the extra costs is really important. Um, so yeah, there's there's information things, things to know.

SPEAKER_00

You know, you also give some great tips on packing and getting ready to go. Like even a uh a first aid uh uh you know, list of things to pack. That would I I never knew that.

SPEAKER_02

Well, yeah, and I'm I I I mean, we've both said, Lynn, for as long as we've been doing the podcast, wish we had known when we sent our kids what we know now. And and that was a little bit on my mind as I was doing this too. Oh gosh, it would have been nice to know this. Oh, it would have been good if I had known that be, you know, back then. But uh, I don't even know if I sent my student with a first aid kit.

SPEAKER_00

I probably gave them band-aids or something.

SPEAKER_02

I don't remember because there are wonderful health centers on campus, but not everything raises to the level of going to the health center. You get, you know, you cut yourself with a knife. You

Packing Lists And Comfort Kit

SPEAKER_02

need to know what kind of ointment to put on it, and you need to have some band-aids. And you wake up with a fever, you know, it's nice to have a thermometer and find out how much you really have. And you know, you know, if you have a cough, do you do you when do you go? When do you go to the health center and when do you deal with it? So yeah, things to go into a first aid kit and then talking to your student about what to do with the things that are in the first aid kit. Because if you send them with this packed thing and they don't know what anything is or when to use what, um it doesn't help. And then my favorite is the idea of a comfort pack. Um, and I've included some things there to think about. And that's that's really something you sort of you sort of box up and wrap up and give to your student to tuck in their luggage and say, you know, this is for when that first time when you get sick, because it's inevitable, almost inevitable. Along about October, they all start dropping like flies because they've been sharing all their germs in the residence hall. And it's cold season and flu season starts and and all, and they, you know, they can get something that's not life-threatening, but they feel pretty miserable. And that first time away from home feeling miserable, um, is kind of tough. So, you know, that's when you pull out this this pack that I sent with you. Um, that, you know, maybe has maybe has some um, you know, some chicken soup in it and uh, you know, a nice blanket, a comfortable blanket, maybe some magazines and you know, maybe a DVD of I don't know. You it's very personal, but to think about um some of the kinds of things that if you can't be there when your student feels sick, what might be some things that they even just a card?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, I really appreciate that there is a glossary at the end of this of terms that um you know that apply to college. I mean, it's a new language, yeah, and uh it's just really helpful for parents to know the new language.

SPEAKER_02

Yep.

SPEAKER_00

Um, and then you also give a list of books for parents and a book and a list for of books for students. We like books.

SPEAKER_02

Have we ever not talked about books, Lynn? We have every year, we're the podcast is now in its sixth year, and every year we've done a podcast episode on summer reads, things to read for the summer. And I think I think that's coming up. I'm not sure this year's has come out yet. Um, but you know, we've each chosen two, three, four books that we think are great, and we've recommended them. So I couldn't not recommend some books for parents to read and then some books for students to read. Um, and and you're right about the terminology. I mean, we've done two or three podcast episodes, I think, on just on that, yeah. Talking the talk and knowing the lingo. So um I compiled that a little bit for uh it helps to have some idea. And when your student comes home and starts spouting these terms, uh, you have some idea of what they are.

SPEAKER_00

So well, I have to say I do recommend this book highly.

SPEAKER_02

Thank you for your highly unbiased opinion.

SPEAKER_00

But but really, I it's um it's an it's filled with such important information, but it's an easy read, also. Yeah, I I really short chapters.

SPEAKER_02

I I mean it's a little scary when you know if you look at the table of contents and there are 49 chapters, and you know, kind of ah, but I tried to keep most of them to a page or two. Um, and and rather than big chapters that that you you know you have to wade through to get the information you need, uh, I opted for lots of short, very specific chapters. So, yes, hopefully parents sit down and you know read it, but also to be able to pick it up at any point in the summer and say, I need to know something about a first aid kit, and I can find that chapter, and I don't have to read a 15-page chapter to get the information I need. So, how do parents get this book? Oh, um, it's only available on the College Parent Central website. Okay. Um, so that's the only place you can get it. And you just go to CollegeParentCentral.com and then there's a tab that says resources, and the drop down of that has ebooks. So you can go there and um read more about it, get a little more sense of what's in it, and uh order it right there. There's also another ebook there. Um, if you are not a parent of a graduate, um, but you have a student in high school, there's another ebook there. Um, some tips on that's a much smaller, shorter one, but um some practical tips for using

Where To Get The Book

SPEAKER_02

the last year or two of high school to help them get ready. So you could start with that and get help them through high school, and then when it comes time for the summer before college, uh move on to this one. But collegeparentcentral.com, the tab that says resources and then ebooks, and there you are.

SPEAKER_00

It's fabulous. I wish I had had it back way back. Me too. Fabulous job.

SPEAKER_02

Thanks for talking to me about it. And I hope, um, I hope some parents will find it useful. And uh uh I'm you know, we'll we'll put I don't know, we'll put the link if you go to the show notes. Um we'll put the link uh there in the show notes and uh also my email address so that if you have if you do get the book and you have feedback, uh I'd love to hear it. Or uh if there are additional questions, um let me know.

SPEAKER_00

Well give us ideas for new new episodes.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, that's true. We'll keep talking about everything else. Um, we also, though, by the way, do have um a series of three episodes way back um that touch on these topics. And then this allowed me, you know, to go deeper in the book. So if you look back to episodes 43, 44, and 45, those are all about summer prep. So that would be some additional information.

SPEAKER_00

Well, this is a very thorough um and easy read, though, too. Fabulous.

SPEAKER_02

Thanks.

SPEAKER_00

Thank you, Vicky. Thanks for having me as a guest on the podcast.

SPEAKER_02

This was fun. All right, thanks, everybody.