College Parent Central Podcast

#145 - Encore Episode: Home for Break

• Vicki Nelson, Lynn Abrahams, Elizabeth Hamblet • Season 6 • Episode 145

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Your student is coming home for break! You’re excited and maybe even a little nervous. In this episode, Vicki and Lynn help you think about what to expect, how to prepare for your student’s return and survival strategies for the whole family.

Thank you for listening!

SPEAKER_00:

Welcome to the College Parent Central Podcast. Whether your child is just beginning the college admission process or is already in college, this podcast is for you. You'll find food for thought and information about college and about navigating that delicate balance of guidance, involvement, and knowing when to get out of the way. Join your hosts, Vicki Nelson and Lynn Abrahams, as they share support and a celebration of the amazing experience of having a child in college.

SPEAKER_01:

Hi, welcome to the College Parent Central Podcast. I'm Vicki Nelson, and I am a professor of communication and former director of academic advising. And I have three girls who have all graduated from college.

SPEAKER_02:

And my name's Lynn Abrahams. I work with college students who have learning differences. And I have two sons. One made it through college, and the second one has taken a little break, and we'll probably be back.

SPEAKER_01:

And we're here to talk about the ups and downs and ins and outs of being a college parent. So this time we thought we'd talk a little bit about what happens when it becomes time for your student to come home for break. We're all excited because our students are coming home. Perhaps they've been home for a weekend before, or maybe not at all, if they're a little further away. But a break is different from a weekend. So we're excited, maybe a little nervous about what to expect, and we can't wait to catch up and have quality time. Perhaps we have planned their favorite meals and cleaned the house. I know I was remembering when I used to come home from college, and that was a while ago, but my mother always had fresh brownies, chocolate chips on top, every time for that first night when I got home from college. So I know that she was preparing and planning and thinking and cleaning and excited about refilling that empty nest. And it's all it's all wonderful, but it's important that we recognize that we have expectations and if and that we may not be exactly sure how things are going to go.

SPEAKER_02:

So you know, a lot of my students I see are um really anticipating going home. They're looking forward to seeing their pets and sleeping in their beds. Um parents come on that list somewhere along the line after pets and beds and food. But um but they're excited about it. Um and I even remember, you know, when when my first son came home for his first vacation, um, you know, I was a little nervous about it. You know, I I wanted it all to go well. Um and I have to say I do remember him coming home and sleeping for about three days. And I was um at first I thought he was sick. But I, you know, I think that when when kids get home, they're um, you know, they get to let down a little bit. And um the college schedule is a little, you know, it's intense living in a dorm. And so I do remember him coming home and just sort of, you know, relaxing. Um peace and quiet of home. Right.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

Absolutely. Um and I also remember thinking that the son that came home was different than the one who left.

SPEAKER_01:

Even just a few weeks are enough to make a difference.

SPEAKER_02:

Um and I see that with my students too. They come back and um, you know, they want to be acknowledged. They they want their parents to acknowledge the fact that they've been living away, you know, and that they are different.

SPEAKER_01:

Yes. Yeah. Um it's it's and and it requires adjustments on everyone's part. It's it's awkward a little bit at the beginning.

SPEAKER_02:

Yep. Yeah. Um and I think that um that things have changed in our own home too. You know, when st when our kids leave, it sort of impacts the family dynamics a little bit. And so um, you know, those changes have happened and then they kind of reverse a little bit when when kids get home.

SPEAKER_01:

So a little jockeying for place, perhaps if there are siblings, you know, that the the that second child has now become the older child or an only. I there was with my three daughters, there was one year when the older two were both away at college, and now the the baby of the family was suddenly an only child. And I'm I'm not sure she loved all of the attention she suddenly was getting, but it but it definitely had changed. And so when they came home, they were coming into a different family in a way. Um and and they're coming home after having been really completely independent at school, and they've become accustomed to that. They're they're used to their own routine, they're used to going to sleep when they want and waking up at all hours, uh coming and going as they want to, and so suddenly they have to re-enter the family, and and those those family routines that seem so automatic before suddenly may feel restrictive. And and as parents and family at home, we have to be ready for some disruption. That they're that that the student's schedule is not always our schedule when they're up at two in the morning doing their laundry because that's their prime time of day, or we hear the refrigerator down in the kitchen. Uh it it it's a it's a lot different than the routine that we had before.

SPEAKER_02:

Or sleeping during the day. Sleeping for three days. Right. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Um and and and remembering that that may make the student feel a little bit as though they don't fit in anymore. Um it wasn't that long ago that we were working at surviving that that in-between summer between high school and college, and and that student who didn't belong to high school anymore and didn't belong to college and didn't quite know where they fit in, and now they're coming back to their family, and certainly they fit in, but it feels different. It doesn't fit quite the same way. And so, you know, am I a child again? Am I an adult? Do I revert? Right.

SPEAKER_02:

One foot in two worlds.

SPEAKER_01:

Yes, yes, definitely. And so often they're they're doing that at a time that's a holiday time, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and holidays are stressful for everyone anyway. Right. So so there's a lot going on, and and the more that we can anticipate before they even step through the door, um, that that's that's going to be an unusual time. Right. Yeah. Uh but there are a few things we can do to prepare, perhaps, that um that might help. And and the first thing is what we've just talked about, that recognizing that this may be an awkward time, because if we're not prepared for that, then it it's suddenly in our face that wait a minute, why are things feeling uncomfortable? Um and even before they come home, maybe we want to check in and see if there's anything we should be prepared for. Um purple hair or new piercings or tattoos. Yes, those, you know, I'm eight, I'm 18, I'm on my own now, and and and somehow a tattoo seems to often be one way to do that. Or um the beard. Um, I know I, you know, I have some some freshmen who um are looking um pretty bushy before Thanksgiving. Um, but then they come back after Thanksgiving looking a little more trim. So I think maybe some conversations have happened at home or have they shaved their head or whatever, but maybe just asking so that you're not totally taken by surprise when they walk in the door.

SPEAKER_02:

Um and that said, it's probably good to remind your student if you've made any big changes. Yes, you know. I do remember a student uh who I worked with went home during vacation and um and their parents had um changed their room and let the younger sister go into their room. And it it was um and it was upsetting for the student because she didn't really prepare for that, you know.

SPEAKER_01:

Or has it become the craft room or the home office?

SPEAKER_02:

Right, right. So any big changes, you know, students want to know. Yeah, they know they want to know what they're walking into, you know, as well. Um and then I think it's probably good to have some conversations with your students about what's what you're planning or what's happening. Like, you know, are there doctor's appointments or dentist appointments? Are there, you know, things that are already um sort of carved in that that are going to happen during the vacation, during the you know, the time at home. Um and it's also good to remind students if they have appointments, you know, um remind them that they could be the ones calling to make those appointments. I mean, we tend to to do that for our kids. I know that I do that, I do that. Um but um but it's good to think about, you know, gee, you know, encouraging our students to do something like that on their own.

SPEAKER_01:

And that gives them the opportunity to do that and to feel independent, but it also means that whenever they schedule it, then they know that and they can plan around it. And and they're not going to get annoyed because you scheduled an appointment for them at the dentist at a time when they wanted to meet their friends. They they own the whole process.

SPEAKER_02:

Right. Yeah. Right. And that and that probably includes like dinners together, you know, having a conversation about what you expect and what they expect. You know, if there are certain nights that you really want them to be there for dinner and certain nights that that are okay if they go off, or certain family obligations. I mean, it's just sort of good to outline that beforehand so that there are no surprises.

SPEAKER_01:

And and so that they can feel that they're not being asked to be to show up all the time, that that there's some compromises around, yes, I know, because they're going to want to catch up with all of their friends. Right. And and you have some time for that, but this dinner is a must, or this event is happening, and and we'll compromise around that makes makes everybody feel a little better. And and for some of these these uh conversations, just really saying at the beginning of break, perhaps let's sit down and just take a few minutes and think and think about what we need to uh negotiate over over break.

SPEAKER_02:

Right, like who's get the who gets the car and who you know, if there are any chores that they were doing before they left, whether they're supposed expected to jump back in and do them.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

Um, taking out the trash and stuff like that.

SPEAKER_01:

Carpooling the younger sister to her games or whatever might be going on. Yeah. And curfew.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh yes, there's that. Because, you know, our I mean, you know, students are don't have a curfew when they're in college. No, they don't. You know, we have a room now at where, you know, where we work where they can study 24 hours a day. I mean, they're, you know. So the idea that they have to be somewhere at a certain time is, you know, might be something to talk about.

SPEAKER_01:

And and it's something to negotiate because they they do have to, at least to a certain extent, step back into the family. And so when they're away at college, I'm not aware of when they're coming and going. Right. But but when they're back living under my roof, I'm aware when I hear the door at two in the morning or I notice that the the hall light is still on, which means they haven't come home. We with our girls, because we couldn't, it didn't feel right for us to tell them you must be in by a certain time because they had been on their own. But I needed peace of mind of knowing they were home safe. So we we left a hall light on, and when you come home, turn the hall light off. And and we we sort of negotiated if that hall light's still on by the middle of the night, I'm gonna text you and say, Are you okay? Uh and so that worked for us. It was comfortable. And different things work for different families, but it depends on uh on the family. But if you haven't had a conversation about it beforehand, um then it's it it's a little tougher. And I think it makes a difference to students if they feel they've been involved in the discussion, right? Rather than being dictated to, you know, you must be in or I don't care. But let's let's talk about how how it's going to work. And there's a certain respect of their adult status when when you sit down and have those conversations. And whether it's the curfew or the car or the chores or or family meals or whatever, let's let's talk about it and make some decisions together.

SPEAKER_02:

Right. It you know, it's hard to predict what it's gonna be like, you know, when they've been away and then they come home. But um, but you're you know, you're right. Having having conversations about it is the only way to go. And just be honest about what you what you want. Um and um and also, you know, just show I you know, I remember m my son feeling like he, you know, he wanted to be acknowledged for the growth that he's you know, he he's lived alone, you know, and it's it's a big deal. And it's you know, usually the first time, you know, kids have lived away from home. You know, I I remember um, you know, my son talking about how this was different than going to camp. You know, he went to camp in the in the summer, but he remembered when there was all of a sudden a time where it was past the time that he would have stayed at camp. You know, all of a sudden it was like this is different. Um and so it's the first time, you know, having that experience, living living alone.

SPEAKER_01:

And even camp is usually fairly structured. Right. And and so being college is not, yeah, right. It it's a very different experience. And I think all that said, it's important though that we continue to be the parent. And and and that really for me involved knowing what my limits were, uh, knowing what things were not open to negotiation. And and and sometimes that that was as simple as reminding my student that I still have to get up in the morning and go to work. And so it's fine that you don't want to go to bed until two or three in the morning, but y you can't have all your your friends here making a lot of noise because I still have to get up at six in the morning and go to work.

SPEAKER_02:

Right.

SPEAKER_01:

So there were a couple of things that that I I needed to say, no, this is this is still the way it's going to be, and then other things we can negotiate and then and working on how we are how we're gonna work it out and and what are the what are limits in in that way.

SPEAKER_02:

You know, I think it's also interesting that different vacations as you go through the first year, second year, third year of college, you know, it starts to shift a little bit. And at some point, you know, your kids are gonna start to refer to where they live, you know, in college as their home. Oh. And you know, that could hurt a little at first. It did. I remember that is not your home. Yeah. So so the this it's a process that that you know goes on.

SPEAKER_01:

So so being prepared for the experience, we've, you know, you anticipate, you think about getting ready, you prepare, you maybe m have a conversation and you negotiate, but then there's still that uh shaking up the empty nest again and and and having them come back.

SPEAKER_02:

Yep. I think the one, you know, one last thing I would say it is that I think it's important to um really look for the positive changes in our kids and um let them know that we see it. Yeah. You know, that we do see that there's been changes, you know, there and some positive, some good things um that come from growing up and growing away.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, yeah. And and staying flexible and and not trying to predict what's going to happen, just sort of being willing to go with the flow and give them give them space and hold them close at at the same time. Um I know another thing for me in terms of that staying flexible. In my anticipation of the break, I always thought this is going to be when I'm going to hear all about their life at school. Um they're going to come home and I'm going to hear about their friends, and I'm going to hear what they're doing and what they're involved in, and I'm going to hear how their classes are going. And they came home and really didn't want to talk about that at all. And that that was a surprise for me. And at first I I think I was a little worried, you know, why why don't you want to tell me about school? What's going on there that you don't want to share with me? But the more I began to think about it, I that's their world. And I I I think to a certain extent they they may want to keep that world as theirs. And the other thing that's going on is their day-to-day life doesn't necessarily seem noteworthy. I want to hear all about it. And they say, well, there's nothing to tell. It's it's just normal, it's just average. So um yeah, I mean, you you can ask some questions and maybe you get some information, but uh recognizing that they may just not want to talk about it.

SPEAKER_02:

Right. And every, you know, every kid is different. And, you know, some may need to keep the two worlds separate, and some may wanna, you know, bridge the gap a little bit more.

SPEAKER_01:

And and some students and parents have been communicating a lot in between, too. So there is to be that may make a difference as well. Right. So so it's a wonderful experience having students home for break, I think.

SPEAKER_02:

Sometimes it's wonderful when they go back to, I have to say.

SPEAKER_01:

It's okay for you both to be ready for break to be over at the at the end. And you've you've taken some time and and you've gotten to know each other over again, and you you everybody's rested a little bit more and and had some good times, and and now you're ready to go back and have the nest be quiet again. Again, right. Um so breaks coming up, and hopefully everyone will have a good one with a little bit of anticipation and preparation and um everybody going with the flow, but it's a good time. All right. So thanks for joining us today at the College Parent Central podcast. And as always, we hope that we've given you some things to think about, some tips that maybe can help you on that roller coaster ride that is college parenting. Um, and if you're finding some of this information helpful, uh tell your friends and subscribe to the podcast and check out College Parentcentral.com to find more articles on all kinds of topics and useful information that we hope will help you as you're going through this journey.

SPEAKER_02:

And so until next time. And remember to enjoy the ride. See you later. Bye.