College Parent Central Podcast
You don’t stop parenting the day you drop your student off to college on Move-in Day. Your role simply changes. (Actually, it’s not simple at all, but it changes.) You’re a parent for life. Join Lynn Abrahams and Vicki Nelson, higher education professionals and former college parents, as they explore the topics that can help you be a more effective and supportive parent to your college bound student. Whether you already have a child in college, college is still a year or more away, or your student is about to step out, start now to gather the information that empowers you to be an effective college success coach to your student.
College Parent Central Podcast
#144 - Encore Episode - Mid-semester Check-in
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Just when you think your student has settled in to that first semester of college it’s time for a reality check. Mid-semester is a great time for you to check in with your student to see how the semester is going. In this episode Lynn and Vicki discuss potential concerns, available resources, and specific conversations that can help you and your student connect at this important time.
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Welcome & Host Backgrounds
SPEAKER_00Welcome to the College Parent Central Podcast. Whether your child is just beginning the college admission process or is already in college, this podcast is for you. You'll find food for thought and information about college and about navigating that delicate balance of guidance, involvement, and knowing when to get out of the way. Join your hosts, Vicki Nelson and Lynn Abrahams, as they share support and a celebration of the amazing experience of having a child in college.
SPEAKER_01Hi, I'm Vicki Nelson, and I am a professor of communication and academic advisor at a small liberal arts college.
SPEAKER_02And my name's Lynn Abrahams. I also work at a small liberal arts college. I am a learning disability specialist. And I also do some neuropsych evaluations.
SPEAKER_01And you work with a lot of students who have learning differences. And I have the girls. I have three daughters who have all finished college and come out on the other side.
SPEAKER_02And I have two sons. So between the two of us, we cover all the bases. My two boys, one went through college and actually came back home before he left again to find to get a job. And then my other son went to school for about a year and then stepped out. So he, you know, eventually will be going back to college. So I have two boys.
SPEAKER_01And I have the girls, and we've got it all covered. And our interest in working with college parents began when our kids started college, and we realized even though we work in higher ed, it was a completely overwhelming process. So we're hoping to make the role of college parent just a little bit more approachable and a little easier for others as they start that journey.
Why Mid-Semester Matters
SPEAKER_02So today what we'd like to talk about is mid-semester check-in. What happens in the middle of the semester? Because that's an important moment.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, that middle of the semester also often comes around a whole lot sooner than students expect it. Right. But it's a really great time from a professor's perspective, it's a great time to give students a little bit of feedback, and in some cases, it's a real reality check of how the semester is going. Some students may have had a lot of work in the first some half of the semester, or not so much, because a lot of the first part of the first semester is really just getting used to what the course is, getting used to the instructor. So that mid-semester time, which may or may not come with midterm exams, but it definitely comes usually with something, if not a midterm exam, a midterm project, or some kind of test or something, comes at about halfway on the calendar, but it's not necessarily halfway through the work because often there is more work that's going to happen in the second half of the semester since so much of the early part was just everyone getting their bearings and figuring out what the what the course is going to be about.
Midterms as Feedback, Not Fate
SPEAKER_01But midterm grades are really a source of information for students. Um and successful students will use that information. It's feedback. Here's how things seem to be going now. It's nothing um concrete that's going to live on with the student.
SPEAKER_02You know, I've I've noticed, well, a number of my students um talk about the difference between high school and college in terms of the middle of the semester. In high school, students get a lot more feedback often. And in college, sometimes they don't get as much. So when they do get feedback, it's it's really, really important. Um and you know, that's that's when they can stop and make some changes, you know, in in what they're in in how they're approaching school.
SPEAKER_01Um So in in high school, they're often getting a lot of daily assignments and maybe weekly quizzes and and a lot of that that may or may not happen in a college class.
SPEAKER_02Right. And in terms of get getting a lot of assignments or a lot of feedback, that usually decreases the anxiety. So when students have to wait to get information, that can be, you know, anxiety provoking. But um, but that's what happens in in college. Um, and it's really good for students to go to professors and ask um how they feel they're doing or you know, get more feedback if they can.
SPEAKER_01Prior to midterm.
SPEAKER_02Absolutely. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Because it feels like a lot when it comes all at once in the middle of the semester. And especially if there's been a midterm exam uh
High School vs College Feedback Gaps
SPEAKER_01that that can carry some some weight. Uh and not all schools have grades at midterm. Right. So so some schools, uh well, our school gives um uh just an indication. So students get a a an S for satisfactory, if they're C or above, they're you know, they're passing, they're they're they're solid. Um then they could get an unsatisfactory, which means they're passing, but not necessarily if they keep doing what they're doing, it's may not be the outcome they're hoping for. Uh and then um an F is an F is an F, but uh there usually aren't too many of those at midterm.
SPEAKER_02Right. So I think that, you know, I think there's sort of three different areas that that um is important for our students to look at at midterm. What's going on academically, what's going on socially, and then what's going on in terms of how they feel about being there emotionally. Um and so, you know, the academic piece, you know, you mentioned that it's you know, you get some academic feedback. For the students that I work with, that's a time to take a look at what's what some of the strategies are that they could be working on. Um what would you say, Vicky? I because you're a communication professor, I think of you as you know, an expert in and what what kinds of conversations do you think parents could be having with their kids at midterm to help them, to support them?
SPEAKER_01Well, I
What Midterm Indicators Mean
SPEAKER_01think I think the first thing would be to ask whether they've gotten some feedback. Uh it's a little more formal at some schools. We we assign a grade. At some schools, they may get an actual letter grade at midterm, but it at some schools there may be nothing. And and it may put more uh onus on the student to take the first step and go to the professor and say, it's midterm time. Can you give me a sense of how I'm doing? Uh, especially if there hasn't been a lot of feedback up until that point. Maybe, maybe they've done a paper, maybe they've had one test and it's a little hard. So I think parents need to ask students whether they've gotten any feedback, and then they need to ask students whether they've followed up on any feedback that they've gotten. Um I think I think this is a good point in the semester for parents to think about how they listen to their students. So sometimes it may have as much to do with the listening that we do as it does
Three Lenses: Academic, Social, Emotional
SPEAKER_01with the the questions that we that we ask and listen between the lines as students are telling you whatever they're telling you.
SPEAKER_02You know, listening is such a huge thing. I'm I'm trying to think of, you know, talking to my own kids, and I tend to listen but think about what I'm gonna say to them. And I tend to listen and think about the advice I want to give them. That's really hard to stop doing.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. I think I think we see that as our role as parents. Right. You know, it's my job to give you advice, it's my job to guide you and tell you what to do. And we need to do that, but sometimes we need to put that aside while we just listen to what they have to say. There are times when that's all students need. They just need to vent. And they they they don't want the advice right now, they just want someone to listen. And sometimes we need to listen between the lines as well. What not just what are the words that they're saying, but they may be dropping some hints and waiting to see how we respond to those hints. And then that's going to determine how much more they tell us or how much more they share, or whether whether they want us probing or asking more questions. What's our attitude is going to determine how much they're willing to tell us. Right. And remembering that both at midterm and at the end of the semester, grades go to students and they're not going to go to the parents. So we're really only going to know what we know through the filter of what our students tell us. And so asking open questions, sometimes just throwing out some hypotheticals.
Parent Conversations That Help
SPEAKER_01You know, if things weren't going well, could you be talking to a professor, not asking the student to commit to, yes, I got a an unsatisfactory grade at midterm.
SPEAKER_02It is a good time in the semester to ask students where they could go to get some extra support.
SPEAKER_01Right. Right. And and it might be the professor and it might be some of the other resources. Uh and so rather than telling them how to fix it, maybe asking them what do you think you could do to fix it? I I might know, I might have an answer, and I might know it's talk to the professor and go to tutoring, but asking my student, you know, what do you think you could do is going to let the student take control of the situation?
SPEAKER_02Right. And there are a lot of resources. Um, so you're right, suggesting is the way to go. You know, counseling, tutoring, um, you know, along with working with the professor, um, you know, going to their advisor, um, thinking about even withdrawing from a class, you know, is a possibility. I mean, there are all kinds of choices, but again, it's not our job as the parents to tell them what to do. It's our job to maybe make some suggestions, you know.
SPEAKER_01And I think the key word that you used is choices.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01So it's a it it the mid-semester is a time, uh a decision time, uh, and looking at the options and looking at the choices. And the choice is to continue doing the same thing or to make some changes. But it really has to be
Listening Skills Over Fixing
SPEAKER_01the student who makes those choices. And and it's hard as a parent to sit back and uh perhaps see that my student isn't making the choice I wish they would make. Uh, and and I think sitting back doesn't necessarily mean you can't express how you feel. Um so so being honest in your reactions, it's it's going to be up to you to do whatever you think is appropriate. But I'm I'm disappointed that that you're n maybe not putting in enough time or so honesty.
SPEAKER_02Yes, yeah. It's important to be honest as well as not tell our kids what to do, even though we want to.
SPEAKER_01Right. None of which is an easy task. Um so you mentioned the advisor.
SPEAKER_02Um it's a good idea for students to talk with their advisor. You know, the advisor is a resource. That's a person who's there um to help, to help our students, you know, to to talk about courses, to talk about, you know, whether they want to drop or add, to talk about dealing with different professors, to talk, you know, to really talk through whatever's going on. And if it's issues with the academics or issues with the with the course, the you know, the advisor's, you know, a perfect person to go to. And that's part of what they what their job is. Um so you know, that's uh advisors are sort of a hidden gem, and a lot of a lot of students don't realize that, you know, they're really there to help them.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. And the beauty of being an advisor is that I'm not evaluating and grading the student. Yes. So as a professor, I can be particularly helpful to the student who's struggling in my class, who needs help with the subject matter,
Encouraging Resource Use & Choices
SPEAKER_01or who needs help in in finding direction on how to approach the topic. But as an advisor, I can be more neutral in listening, and I can be that sounding board and and work with the student. And the student knows that I am really just there to advocate and to help the student without that grade hanging over our head that I'm eventually going to have to give you a grade in this in this subject. Right.
SPEAKER_02You know, the other area that um that things can change a lot in midterm is um the social area. So, you know, a lot of students that make friends with the most convenient people at the beginning. You know, they they move into a dorm and and don't know anyone, so they make best friends with their roommate or people on the floor, or you know, it's it's um the first people they meet, they usually connect with. Well, by midterm, things have shifted a little bit, and maybe that's the time that some of our students take a look at, you know, their group of their social group and say, well, gee, maybe this isn't the right social group for me. Or maybe I want to meet people who also are interested in the kind of things that I'm interested in. You know, my people in my business management class, you know, it might be around interests. Um, it might be um it might be the time of the semester that students start looking at clubs and adding in other things to meet people of similar interests.
SPEAKER_01You know, uh so many students when they start are hesitant, I think, to to jump into a lot of extracurricular activities and clubs that they say, I I want to focus on my on my studies, and and good for you, you want to do well, but uh that that sense of balance is really important. That uh you know, just working and studying all the time
Advisors as Hidden Allies
SPEAKER_01is not necessarily helpful. Um, neither is playing all of the time. Right, right. You need to find that balance, but um thinking about how much time am I spending on, you know, those three areas of of work, because so many students have jobs now and socializing and academics and studying, and am I balancing the three? And um recognizing that there's more time in college outside of the classroom than there was in high school. And am I am I doing that that sort of rule of thumb, which is for every hour I spend in class, I should be spending two hours outside, and uh oh gosh, I'm really not anywhere near that. Or I'm I'm trying to hold down a a full-time job at the same time that I'm a full-time student. Because if you do that mathematical formula of two hours outside for every hour in class and you're a full-time student, that's often a 40-hour a week commitment right there. So so midterm is that time when the social thing is shifting and the academic thing is shifting, and also trying to find that that balance uh to make it all work. And sometimes trying to find some alone time. Social, the having friends and finding new friends and all of that social activity is wonderful, but sometimes just finding some time on their own is is important, and is part of the that that other piece of the emotional aspect of what's going on right now in the middle of the semester.
SPEAKER_02Right. So, you know, the middle of the semester, so so things are shifting academically, they're shifting socially, but this also might be the time that students either, you know, either the light bulbs
Social Shifts and Finding Balance
SPEAKER_02go off and they say, gee, this is working for me. I really like it here, you know, I can do college, that kind of thrill. But it also could be the time when students say, Oh my God, I want to go home. You know, I don't know if I like it here. I think I might want to transfer to another school. Or this is the time of some shifting. And um, certainly as you know, parents, I think it's important to let that happen, you know, to talk about it, to let all those feelings come out, because that's the only way they get sort of dealt with. Um, but this is a time that, you know, all kinds of things can pop up.
SPEAKER_01And that's when that listening piece is important again. And and it does feel as though transferring may in some ways be the new normal, um, that so many students transfer from one institution to another, and um they use that term swirling. Sometimes the students come and they go. Um, and and you're right, I think midterm time is the time when when it that the reality check hits and the end of the semester still seems a long way off, and friend groups maybe falling apart, and and there's just a lot uh going on that students feel unsettled. And so I think as parents it's helpful as part of that listening to try to help students get to the root of why they're thinking they don't want to be here anymore, whether it's I want to transfer somewhere else or I just want to drop out of school. And and that's when a lot of those why questions are helpful. Well, why? What because it's not working. Well, why do you think it's not working? Can you be specific what isn't working and um probing a little bit?
SPEAKER_02Sometimes I have found working with my students that sometimes talking about transferring is actually really positive because in talking it through, students will sort of figure out what's really important and what's not. And sometimes just that just looking at it is a way for some of our students to reclaim their decision to to go to the school wherever they are.
SPEAKER_01Right. And and if they are thinking about transferring, it sort of frees them up to not worry so much about how things are going, and then all of a sudden they start to go well, and they start start to go a little bit better.
SPEAKER_02Um You know, it's funny, we uh one
Emotional Check: Stay, Transfer, or Pause
SPEAKER_02of the books that we talk about a lot um is um Heart by Harlan Cohen. He wrote the book, The Naked Roommate, and um he also wrote one version for for parents, but he talks about his own story, and I remember him saying that you know he went to a university by midterm he wanted to leave. And um he once he made the decision to leave, he started having a great time because because the pressure was off. Yes, you know, and that's when he started to relax and you know meet meet other people. Um and then there's also that whole piece that you know, if you do leave, you pick up yourself and leave wi with you, you know. So any issues that you're having come usually comes.
SPEAKER_01Is it the school or is it me? Right. Is is it going to be different somewhere else? Um, and maybe asking if there, you know, what is there something you could change that might make it better? Right. Would it be better if you tried to live asked about living in a different residence hall or changed your major? Uh, because back to the academic piece, by midterm, maybe a time when students who thought they knew what they wanted to do now have discovered that's not the field they want to be in, and that's very unsettling.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_01Um, and so, you know, is there one thing you could change, or who can you talk to on campus about whatever it is that is making you unhappy?
SPEAKER_02You know, for students with learning differences, I find some students um try to go to college and not get the support that they were getting in high school because they want to try it on their own, which makes a lot of good sense. Um, but at that point in midterm, that might be the time that students may say, you know what, I do need a little extra support. Or it might be the other way where midterm students might realize that um that they can do college, you know, that that they're thrilled that this is working. Yeah. And um, you know, maybe a little corrections here and there, but this is this is all going well. So, you know, it definitely is the time to kind of reassess.
SPEAKER_01Um so midterm is is that that time of decisions, the time of reality check, which can be good or not so good, and uh recognizing that there are choices that you can make um to keep all the options open, but don't burn any bridges. Students who say, I think I want to leave. Uh just I think sometimes asking for a little wait time, let's let's not can can we can you make it through to the end of the semester rather than leaving right now, if you can make it through to the end of the semester and see how things are later, or at least you'd be transferring with some credits. So um looking at all of those pieces and how they fit together. The the the academic
Diagnosing the “Why” Behind Leaving
SPEAKER_01piece, the social piece, the emotional piece, the work school balance, uh, that mid-semester is about the point when you've got a few weeks behind you now and can begin to to think about what what's working and great time to make some decisions and see where you go from there. Yeah. And and as parents, we can guide, we can listen, we can make some suggestions, and then we let them do what they're going to do. See what happens. So good luck to mid semester time to everyone, and uh we'll see everybody next time. Bye bye.