College Parent Central Podcast

#134 Let's Talk About Senior Summer

• Vicki Nelson and Lynn Abrahams • Season 6 • Episode 134

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The summer between high school and college isn't just busy—it's a profound transition that transforms both students and parents. This emotional crossroads, where students are "no longer" in high school but "not yet" in college, demands navigation through unfamiliar territory. We did a bit of a turn for this episode as Lynn interviewed Vicki about her new E-book, The Summer Before College: A Parent's Survival Guide from Deposit to Move-In. The book is a comprehensive guide that walks parents step-by-step through the entire senior summer timeline. From the Deposit to the tearful (or celebratory!) drive home after Move-in Day, the book offers a roadmap for parents feeling overwhelmed by this transitional period. In this episode we talk about the crucial shift parents must make from caretakers to coaches, how to guide without controlling, support without hovering, and listen without immediately jumping to advice-giving. The conversation explores specific strategies for developing these skills, including thoughtful questions to ask your student and communication techniques that foster independence while maintaining connection.

Thank you for listening!

Announcer:

Welcome to the College Parent Central podcast. Whether your child is just beginning the college admission process or is already in college, this podcast is for you. You'll find food for thought and information about college and about navigating that delicate balance of guidance, involvement and knowing when to get out of the way. Join your hosts, vicki Nelson and Lynn Abrahams, as they share support and a celebration of the amazing child in college.

Lynn Abrahams:

Welcome to the College Parent Central podcast. This is the place where we talk about all things connected to parenting our kids as they make that transition to college. My name is Lynn Abrahams and I am a learning disability specialist, have worked with college students for my whole career and I am here not only with my colleague and friend, but with the person who I will be interviewing for this podcast. I will be interviewing for this podcast, so, vicki, why don't you first explain who you are and then I'll talk about what we're?

Announcer:

going to talk about.

Vicki Nelson:

So my name is Vicki Nelson. I am the co-host of the College Parent Central podcast, along with Lynn and occasional other co-hosts that join us, and I am a college professor of communication and I have been doing that for many years, and so I work with students every day and I see the things that work and I see the things that sometimes cause them to struggle, and in addition to that, I am the mother of three daughters who have gone to college. So, as Lynn and I always say, we both come to this podcast both with our professional hat on, having worked with college students, and also our parent hat on, because we know it was overwhelming for us when we were just starting out sending that first student to college.

Lynn Abrahams:

I remember.

Vicki Nelson:

That's what got us started saying if this is overwhelming for us and we work in higher ed what must it be like for everybody else?

Lynn Abrahams:

Yes, and the purpose of this episode is going to be to talk a little bit about a new e-book that has just come out. It is by Vicki Nelson. The name of the book is the Summer Before College A Parent's Survival Guide from Deposit to Move In. And I would like to say that first. This is an amazing compilation of such good information, focusing on the summer before college, which is the craziest time in the world. Okay, but I would like to say that, you know, this e-book is a fabulous read. It's easy to understand, it's well organized, it's it's just got some great stuff for parents. And I guess, vicki, I just first want to ask you, you know, how did you come to do this? I've been pushing you for a long time.

Vicki Nelson:

I was just going to say I came to do it because you made me do it Right. So thank you for those very kind words coming from someone who is completely unbiased. Yeah well, you were instrumental in having this happen. I started College Parents Central as a blog, as a website, in 2009. So I've been at this for a while and the website now has approximately a little over 900 articles.

Vicki Nelson:

Over the years, gradually and slowly, one article at a time. There's, you know, gradually and slowly, one article at a time On anything that you know, I encounter something with a student and I write a post about it. Or, you know, I see something that's a problem and it's an advice. You know I want to say advice column, but that dates me of thinking about newspapers, but it's information for college parents to make the journey work. And you have been telling me for a while now you should take this information and put it in, pull it together, because it's. You know, it's wonderful to just bounce around a website and read a post here and an article there, but sometimes you want everything in one place.

Vicki Nelson:

And we have talked, lynn, you and I have talked multiple times about how important this summer before college is. It's that transition summer. It's that summer of. You know. I sometimes term it like a crossroads, the crossroads between no longer and not yet. The students aren't high school anymore, but they're not in college, so they've got a lot emotionally going on. But it's also a summer when there's so much that has to get done and I think what happens sometimes is, as parents, we make it through graduation.

Vicki Nelson:

The spring of senior year is crazy. You've got senior events going on and senior trips and proms and all of this. And then there's graduation and that has some mixed emotions, but you know that's a wonderful time. And then you just want to relax and sit back and students want to, you know, just enjoy this summer that they have before they go to college. But there's a lot that has to happen. So I try to take some of the information that I know matters in the summer and pull it all together in one place so that parents can have it in one place and not have to look all over to see what they need to do and to think about the things that they might easily forget need to be something for the summer.

Lynn Abrahams:

And not just forget but know to know. I remember feeling like I just did not know what to expect when I was in that situation. I certainly didn't expect how crazy that summer was and how emotional you know it was, but in particular for first parents, for parents who have their first kids going off, this is a very well-organized approach to what happens before and through move-in day. Can you tell us a little bit about just how you organized all this information?

Vicki Nelson:

Well, that was the challenge when I started and, interestingly, it was organized completely differently. When I started, I was thinking in terms of, okay, what do parents need to do, what do parents need to think about? What do students need to do? What do students need to think about? What conversations do they need to have? And so I kind of and at some point it just clicked that wait a minute, it would make more sense to think through the summer, as you move through the summer. So this all really starts with deposit. Up until then, it's all about applying and making the decision and waiting and all, and then that May 1st deadline comes along and students make their deposit. Now it's real, you know where you're going to be, you know you're in, you've made the deposit and you start getting different kind of information from the school, and the amount of information that students and parents receive and mostly students receive over the summer is huge. So then I decided to just set it up chronologically, so it starts with a section on you know just what to expect. What's this summer going to be like? Lynn, you just mentioned how emotional it is, and so you know what do you think this summer is is going to be like.

Vicki Nelson:

And then it's got a second part. That are the things, the things that have to happen right away. And I sometimes I've. I think parents aren't and students aren't aware of the timing. So this email comes and it says you should do this. You know, fill out this survey about classes. This is for students. Fill out the survey about classes.

Vicki Nelson:

And students say I don't want to think about that right now, I'm going to do it a little later, but really the college needs that information right away because that's how they begin to think about the student's schedule for fall and different colleges do schedules differently, but they need that information right away. So, after thinking about what to expect, the first thing is okay, what do you need to do right away? And your student may not even have graduated yet, but this is to happen right away. So there's a section on that. And then you move toward kind of the middle of the summer and that's that's the section of things that can happen throughout the summer. You know, you just chip away a little bit and it's not going to feel as overwhelming as it might otherwise. And then the the last part of summer sort of okay, now it's really time to get ready and there's some things that need to happen closer to when it's going to be time to go, and then thinking about sending them off and that's move-in day and waving goodbye and crying some tears, or not.

Vicki Nelson:

Or cheering in the car on the way home, whatever the case may be. So there's that end of summer and then I tacked on a little section at the end. It's not technically summer but, um, you know, kind of on the home front, once you get home, um, just a few things to think about as you, as you parent, make that transition from, uh you know, all the focus on sending them off and now you come home and for some parents it's an empty nest or emptier, and just a few things to think about and do as you wind down summer. So it's meant to be chronological. You can read it along as the summer goes along. Look at it at the beginning of the summer for a preview of what's down the road.

Lynn Abrahams:

You know, one thing you and I talk a lot about is the role of parents in terms of that shift from you know the day-to-day caretaking kind of thing to being on the sidelines and coaching, coaching. It strikes me that this ebook that has just come out is a really good way for parents it's to the parents, not to the students, really, but it's a good way for parents to know what's coming so that they can then shift into being the coach, because how do you support your kids if you don't really know what's happening? You know what I mean. So this is a very clear description of what happens at each section. But anyways, can you talk a little bit more about that shift of parenting?

Vicki Nelson:

Yeah, oh boy, I don't think there has been a podcast episode that we've done, that. We haven't talked about shifting from caretaking to coaching and the workshop that we sometimes do with school groups or whatever is called caretaking to coaching. Because when your student is living at home, you know in high school, even when they're fairly independent and some high school students are very independent you're still the caretaker. Often parents are the keeper of the master calendar that's on the wall in the kitchen or on the fridge or something, to know who's going where and when and keeping track of those dentist appointments and doctor appointments and you know when the student heads out, it's, you know where are you going and who you're going with and who's driving and when are you going to be home or this is when you'll be home, or those sorts of things, and trying to keep track of what's going on in the household. So that caretaking role is really where we live when the student is living home and then when they go to college, they're on their own and it's changing a little bit, but the message that so often goes to parents is okay, they're on their own, so you're done. So back off and don't be a helicopter parent, and your student will be fine.

Vicki Nelson:

And really, you know, we you and I talk about it all the time. That's not true at all. It's just that the role changes and it changes to a coach On the sidelines. The coach doesn't play the game, but the coach is helping the athlete, the player, know what to do and is encouraging the player or sometimes, you know, sometimes pulling them into the locker room and saying now look, this is what you've got to change. The approach isn't working, you've got to switch it. So I think, if I don't know if parents can think about that role as being just as active a role, but just very different, very different. It's hands-off. But we often say good athletes often say I couldn't have done it without my coach, I owe it all to my coach because they helped me get ready, they encouraged me, they kept me on track, they encouraged me, they kept me on track. So hopefully, as parents work their way through this sort of, I like to think of it as kind of a step-by-step.

Vicki Nelson:

The book takes you step-by-step through the summer and hopefully it helps them begin to make that transition and anticipate that transition over the summer as they have conversations with their student and there are some things that parents need to do and some things that students need to do. For instance, you know the roommate survey, which is often something students get early in the summer If they're living on campus. Please fill out are you a neatnik or are you a slob, and do you sleep with the shades pulled or the shades open? And do you like to study with music or not with music? Are you a smoker or not? All of those sorts of questions. Students need to do that, not parents, and so that's an opportunity for the parents to step back and say, nope, you need to fill this out, and you need to fill this out honestly of who you really are, not who you wish you were because then you're going to get put together with a roommate that's not going to be a match for you.

Vicki Nelson:

But parents need to be prepared to say and you don't have to show it to me Fill it out and send it, let me know that it's gone or don't let me know. It's up to you. But I don't want to see it because maybe you would be putting down different answers if you knew that I was going to look. So there are little opportunities like that, I think, throughout the summer for parents to say no it's up to you.

Lynn Abrahams:

You know, one thing that you tend to do is outline some conversations that parents and students can have, and I find that to be really helpful, because you even model in some of your short chapters exactly what kind of questions to ask and how to do it in a way that is, you know, non-judgmental, and so you know I think that's a really helpful thing what kinds of you know, what kinds of conversations do you think are really crucial in that summer?

Vicki Nelson:

Oh, there's so many.

Vicki Nelson:

And you know, I think as much as I said, there's hardly been a podcast episode that hasn't talked about caretaking to coaching. I'm quite positive there hasn't been a podcast episode that you and I haven't talked about caretaking to coaching. I'm quite positive there hasn't been a podcast episode that you and I haven't talked about. Have this conversation. Have this conversation. You need to communicate the communication and hopefully this summer also gives parents an opportunity to practice some of that communication, to really talk to students about things like what they expect college to be, like, what their goals are. Why simple question why are you going to college? That's really one of the first conversations to have that. Interestingly, for so many families, as much as they've been immersed in this admissions process for the last two or more years, that question hasn't come up.

Lynn Abrahams:

I don't think I ever asked my kids that question.

Vicki Nelson:

I didn't either. Why are you going to college? And then that forces students to think a little bit. Well, because that's what people do. Well, do you have to? And the point of the question is not to talk them out of going to college, but just to get them to think about well, why am I going to college? Because that leads directly to. So then, what are some of your goals? What do you want college to do for you? Are you going for personal fulfillment? Are you going for social life? Are you going for career-specific knowledge? All of those answers would lead you to different goals, and then parents can follow that up with another conversation about so what are your action plans to accomplish those goals? So you know, if it's career, what are you going to do while you're at college to lead toward that career? Of course, it has to do with your choice of major. And then, well then, what kinds of classes are you hoping that you're going to be able to take? And are you going to try to volunteer somewhere, or are you going to try to do an internship? You're going to try to do an internship, not to have a student plan out their entire college life, but just to begin to open the door to some of those conversations.

Vicki Nelson:

Thinking about roommate Students dread. You know, I know I'm going to get the roommate from hell. I just know. I know what's it going to be like, because most kids have never shared a room with anybody, and certainly not a room that small that is, your living room and your kitchen and your study room and your bedroom and all of that. So they're worried about the roommate and perhaps a conversation that a parent and student could have would be, and perhaps a conversation that a parent and student could have would be.

Vicki Nelson:

So what are you going to do to be a good roommate? What makes a good roommate? And flipping the table a little bit to have the student think differently. So I think, yeah. There are a number of places in here where I've suggested maybe this is a good time to have a conversation about this, and that lays the groundwork. It's the foundation for the communication you're going to have with your student once they're away, which you, lynn, I know have talked about once they go away. Some of those conversations are so rich because you've taken that caretaking piece out of it and you can just have interesting conversations.

Lynn Abrahams:

Well, one of the themes here is, um, learning how to listen, um, you know, as a parent, I think, especially when our kids are younger, you know we spend so much time doing what we think parents should do. I mean sort of telling them what to do, you know. But but as as our students turn into, you know, adults, um, it's, um, it's. So it's such a wonderful reminder to step back and listen, um, and ask questions and be curious about what your kids are thinking.

Lynn Abrahams:

And I loved reading books with my kids once they went away to school and we could share what they were reading, and I would read it too, we would talk about it and that kind of thing. So there's a lot in here about how to shift your habits in communicating with your kids.

Vicki Nelson:

Well, I am a communication professor.

Lynn Abrahams:

That is true.

Vicki Nelson:

So there probably is a little bit little bias, a little leaning that way. But and listening is one of the things I teach in my communication classes and it's one of the hardest things to do and do. Well, in part, as you just said, we think it's part of our job description and it is part of our job description to give advice. So when students are telling us whatever they're telling us maybe we've asked a question we're often busy thinking about what we're going to say and we're really only half listening to what they're going to say because we're listening with the intent to respond. So we're busy thinking well, then I'm going to tell him this and then I'm going to react that way rather than really listening. And that kind of listening, where you really focus on hearing, takes practice. So this is a good time Summer is a great time in some of the great time in some of the situations and topics here, to really practice that full listening.

Vicki Nelson:

And some parents talk about how you know my kid never talks to me.

Vicki Nelson:

They never talk to me and sometimes I think that's because they know we're not really listening.

Vicki Nelson:

We have the best of intentions, it's not that we don't care, but they know they're going to say something and are we really going to hear what they're telling us?

Vicki Nelson:

And so maybe experimenting a little bit with some new habits and ways of listening, of giving it space, giving it time and being a sounding board, instead of coming in right away with the advice, asking whether they want our advice, you know, they lay something out to us and instead of coming right in and saying, well, what you could do is this or what you should do, is this, what you could do, is this or what you should do is this, sitting with it and then saying, do you want my advice or do you just want me to hear what you have to say? Or just sounding it back. You know, well, I'm hearing you say that you really don't like that subject, and the student says no, no, no, no, it's not that it's that I don't like the subject, and the student says no, no, no, no, it's not that it's that I don't like the professor, and so it's different, but it's so important.

Lynn Abrahams:

You know it occurs to me that the summer before college there's a lot of material out there about students and the transition they're going through, but what you're addressing in this ebook is the shifts that parents are going through to. You know that there are. They're shifting also from parenting a high school student to parenting a college student. One thing that you do in this ebook is give some real good information that parents don't know or may not know and that helps with that shift. Like you know, you write about FERPA in a way that makes sense.

Vicki Nelson:

I knew you were going to think FERPA.

Lynn Abrahams:

And there are other things. I mean, what other things can you think of that are in there?

Vicki Nelson:

Well, you're right in pointing out FERPA, because FERPA is one of the most important ones and there is a chapter on that understanding that when students go to college, the right to their academic information belongs to them and not to parents. And then again, going back to conversations, that it's important to have a conversation with your student.

Vicki Nelson:

A lot of students have never heard of FERPA, so if the information in that chapter here can help parents understand it, to explain it, to their kids To then explain it to their students and then decide together whether, because it means bottom line, it means that all academic information, including grades, are going to go to your student and not to the parent. And you can have a student sign a FERPA waiver which says it's okay for you to release things like my grades to my parents. And many parents will say immediately well, of course, sign this FERPA waiver because I want to see your grades. But then thinking about, what message is that sending to my student? Is that saying I don't trust that when I say what are your grades, you're going to tell me? And is that the message that I want to send right away? So again, that's a conversation. So the FERPA.

Vicki Nelson:

And then there there's some information about health, proxy and HIPAA that you know. If your students in a car accident and they're unconscious, the hospital can't tell you anything because they are, you know, legally there's not a release, so you can. There's some paperwork that you can do over the summer that says that you know parents can have access to that information in an emergency. Some things about thinking, thinking about a departure plan for students, which doesn't mean thinking about how you're going to drop out of college. That's not what that's talking about, but it's in an emergency. Does your student have like a weather emergency or some kind of crisis on?

Vicki Nelson:

campus hurricane or you know whatever? Um, does your student have a plan of what they're going to do if they have to leave campus, if the campus is evacuated? Um, for, for whatever reason? Um, and thinking now ahead of time, proactively? Um, let's plan together what are you going to do? You know, will you make sure you always have a little cash? Do you know where you'll go? Do we have relatives that live close or friends that live close to where you go to college that are willing that we could contact and say, in an emergency, would you be willing? You know? Just, that's some of the information that parents may not realize.

Vicki Nelson:

There's some financial pieces too, money stuff. Oh yeah, not only the big money, the tuition money, but many parents don't realize how many other small incremental fees there are going to be and other costs, and how much textbooks cost. I mean, it's outrageous, textbooks cost way too much and I think most of us agree about that, but we can't do anything about it. So if you have a student who has five classes and they need five, and subclasses require more than one book and they need five books, it would not be unreasonable for it to cost four, five, six hundred dollars for a semester's books. Now you multiply that by eight semesters, they can sell them back, but they usually don't get very much, so anticipating some of the extra costs is really important. So, yeah, there's information, things to know.

Lynn Abrahams:

You know you also give some great tips on packing and getting ready to go, like even a first aid. You know list of things to pack. I never knew that.

Vicki Nelson:

Well, yeah, I mean, we've both said Lynn for as long as we've been doing the podcast. We wish we had known when we sent our kids what we know now. And that was a little bit on my mind as I was doing this too. Oh gosh, it would have been nice to know now. And that was a little bit on my mind as I was doing this too. Oh gosh, it would have been nice to know this. Oh, it would have been good if I had known that back then. But I don't even know if I sent my student with a first aid kit.

Lynn Abrahams:

I probably gave them Band-Aids or something, I don't remember.

Vicki Nelson:

Because there are wonderful health centers on campus but not everything raises to the level of going to the health center you get. You know you cut yourself with a knife, you need to know what kind of ointment to put on it and you need to have some band-aids and you wake up with a fever. You know it's nice to have a thermometer and find out how much you really have and you know if you have a cough, when do you go? When do you go to the health center and when do you deal with it? So, yeah, things to go into a first aid kit and then talking to your student about what to do with the things that are in the first aid kit, because if you send them with this packed thing and they don't know what anything is or when to use what, it doesn't help.

Vicki Nelson:

And then my favorite is the idea of a comfort pack and I've included some things there to think about. And that's really something you sort of box up and wrap up and give to your student to tuck in their luggage and say you know, this is for when, that first time when you get sick, because it's inevitable, almost inevitable, long about October, they all start dropping like flies because they've been sharing all their germs in the residence hall and it's cold season and flu season starts and all, and they, you know they can get something that's not life-threatening but they feel pretty miserable and that first time away from home feeling miserable is kind of tough. So you know that's when you pull out this pack that I sent with you that you know maybe has some, you know some, chicken soup in it and you know a nice blanket, a comfortable blanket, maybe some magazines and you know maybe a DVD. I don't know, it's very personal, but to think about some of the kinds of things that if you can't be there when your student feels sick, what might be some things?

Lynn Abrahams:

that they would like Even just a card. Yeah, yeah, I really appreciate that there is a glossary at the end of this of terms that you know that apply to college. I mean, it's a new language and it's just really helpful for parents to know the new language.

Announcer:

Yep.

Lynn Abrahams:

And then you also give a list of books for parents and a book in a list for books for students. We like books.

Vicki Nelson:

Have we ever not talked about books, lynn? We have every year. The podcast is now in its sixth year and every year we've done a podcast episode on summer reads things to read for the summer and I think that's coming up. I'm not sure this year's has come out yet, but you know we've each chosen two, three, four books that we think are great and we've recommended them. So I couldn't not recommend some books for parents to read and then some books for students to read, and you're right about the terminology.

Vicki Nelson:

We've done two or three podcast episodes, I think on talking the talk and knowing the lingo, so I compiled that a little bit. It helps to have some idea and when your student comes home and starts spouting these terms, you have some idea of what they are.

Lynn Abrahams:

Well, I have to say I do recommend this book highly.

Vicki Nelson:

Thank you for your highly unbiased opinion.

Lynn Abrahams:

But really it's filled with such important information, but it's an easy read also.

Vicki Nelson:

Yeah, I really tried Short chapters and easy to grasp, easy read also. Yeah, I, I really tried chapters yeah, I tried to do that.

Vicki Nelson:

I mean it's a little scary when you know if you look at the table of contents and there are 49 chapters and you know kind of ah. But I tried to keep most of them to a page or two. Um, and and, rather than big chapters that you know you have to wade through to get the information you need, I opted for lots of short, very specific chapters. So, yes, hopefully parents sit down and you know, read it. But also to be able to pick it up at any point in the summer and say I need to know something about a first aid kit and I can find that chapter and I don't have to read a 15-page chapter to get the information I need.

Lynn Abrahams:

So how do parents get this book?

Vicki Nelson:

Oh, it's only available on the College Parent Central website. Okay, so that's the only place you can get it and you just go to collegeparentcentralcom and then there's a tab that says Resources and the dropdown of that has e-books. So you can go there and read more about it, get a little more sense of what's in it and order it right there. There's also another e-book there. If you are not the parent of a graduate but you have a student in high school, there's another e-book there some tips on. That's a much smaller, shorter one, but, um, some practical tips for using the last year or two of high school to help them get ready. So you can start with that and get help them through high school and then, when it comes time for the summer, before college, move on to to this one, but collegeparentcentralcom, the tab that says resources and then ebooks, and there you are it's fabulous.

Lynn Abrahams:

I wish I had had it back way back me too fabulous job.

Vicki Nelson:

thanks for talking to me about it and I hope um, I hope some parents will find it useful and you know we'll put the link if you go to the show notes. We'll put the link there in the show notes and also my email address so that if you do get the book and you have feedback, I'd love to hear it. Or if there are additional questions, let me know. If you do get the book and you have feedback, I'd love to hear it.

Lynn Abrahams:

Or if there are additional questions, let me know. We'll give us ideas for new episodes.

Vicki Nelson:

Yeah, that's true, we'll keep talking about everything else. We also, though, by the way, do have a series of three episodes way back that touch on these topics, and then this allowed me, you know, to go deeper in the book. So if you look back to episodes 43, 44, and 45, those are all about summer prep, so that would be some additional information.

Lynn Abrahams:

Well, this is a very thorough um and easy read, though too. Fabulous thanks.

Vicki Nelson:

Thank you, vicki, thanks for having me as a guest on the podcast. This was fun all right, thanks everybody.