College Parent Central Podcast

#126 They're Back! Parenting Our Boomerang Kids

• Vicki Nelson and Lynn Abrahams • Season 6 • Episode 126

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Nearly half of recent college graduates are finding themselves back in their childhood bedrooms, and it’s not just nostalgia pulling them home. Financial pressures are nudging this generation towards a new developmental stage of life. These shifting family dynamics come with their own set of challenges and opportunities. In this episode, Vicki and Lynn explore the concept of "boomerang students" and share their personal journeys as parents navigating this transition. We discuss the practicalities of living with adult children, from negotiating household contributions to ensuring everyone maintains their independence. With open communication and a bit of humor, this life stage can be a chance to strengthen family bonds and gain fresh perspectives on adult life.

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Speaker 1:

Welcome to the College Parent Central podcast. Whether your child is just beginning the college admission process or is already in college, this podcast is for you. You'll find food for thought and information about college and about navigating that delicate balance of guidance, involvement and knowing when to get out of the way. Join your hosts, vicki Nelson and Lynn Abrahams, as they share support and a celebration of the amazing child in college.

Speaker 2:

Welcome to the College Parent Central podcast. This is the podcast where we talk about all of the things that have to do with being the parent of a college student being the parent of a high school student who's thinking about college or headed to college, and sometimes talking about students who are no longer students, students who graduate from college and are ready to move on, because that's also part of the college parenting journey. My name is Vicki Nelson and I am a professor of communication and I am also the mother of three daughters who have all gone to college and come out the other side. So I come to this topic from two angles both as a professional who works with students in the classroom every day and I see what goes on with them, and then also as a mom who's lived the experience. So it's lots of fun to talk about college parenting, and I am here, as I so often am, and so happy to be here, with my friend and colleague, lynn Abrahams.

Speaker 3:

Hi everybody. Hi everybody, my name's Lynn Abrahams and I am a learning disability specialist. I have worked with college students for my whole career and worked with their families, mom of two sons who have gone to college and gone out and made decisions all about leaving and going. And they have come through to the other side, and Vicki and I met when our kids were just talking about going to college and we realized that we did not know a lot about what was, and we realized that we did not know a lot about what was. You know, even though we worked in a college environment. The entire process was a bit overwhelming and we also realized that our roles were still very, very important, but they were different, and that's what really got us started in doing workshops and this podcast as well.

Speaker 3:

So today we are going to talk about parenting, but at a slightly different stage. We're going to be talking about the students who leave and then come back after college and come back home, and that group of students are often called boomerang students, boomerang young adults. They go and they come back Right, so some of you are getting ready just to let your students go for the first time, and we're here to remind you that they may not go forever. They may be back before they go again. So it's an important topic, I think, because the world has changed a lot and more and more students need to come back after college, and part of that is financial. The world has changed. It's just more expensive has changed. It's just more expensive, and this is a phenomenon that's growing.

Speaker 2:

And I think it's important that we all realize that it is a growing phenomenon and it's not just us.

Speaker 3:

It does not mean that your kids are failures or that we are failures, and so what we would like to do is talk a little bit about that, that trend, and you know, eventually we'd like to get to some tips on how to act, how to actually go through it with your kids, and both Vicki and I have been in that situation.

Speaker 3:

So we have a few tips, first-hand experience, and then we also, of course, at the end, we'll have some books to recommend, because that's what we do. We are always looking at new material out there. So when I started looking at some of the information out there about this, I came upon a survey that was created by Thrivant, which is a Fortune 500 financial services organization, and for three years in a row, they have been sent out a survey to Boomerang. They call it the Boomerang Kids Survey, and what they found was that about 46% of parents say that they've had their adult child, their adult children, boomerang back home, and that's up from 35% last year and that's up we found some more information about in 2017, 32%. So this is something that is current and growing.

Speaker 2:

I find those numbers really I don't know shocking. Maybe too strong a word, but really surprising. I mean that's nearly half of the kids who graduate from college that end up moving back home. Talk about not being alone. I mean it's right, it's huge.

Speaker 3:

And and one reason I I was drawn to this topic too was because of my own kids, and I've seen that how expensive it is out there for them to to find apartments, and you know buying homes is really expensive. You know my younger son is is thinking about moving from one apartment to another, and what that means is first month's rent, last month's rent, deposit. All that adds up to a chunk of money that a lot of kids just don't have, um, especially when they're just starting out. So this is, I see it happening. You know it's a lot of money, it is.

Speaker 2:

And because students you know in college may not be thinking too much about how that works. They could look at an apartment that you know rent is $2,000 a month or you know, fill in whatever number in whatever region you live and say, okay, I can manage that, but then not thinking about, but to start, I need that deposit. I need, first and last and you know so now what they're talking about $6,000 to start at the same time that they are starting to pay their college loans and all of that.

Speaker 2:

So, it's huge and you know there's beyond the financial, which is huge and most students and parents, I think, say you know the main reason that they move home is financial. But I think this is also part of that sort of another trend which we've talked about and read about before and that is this emerging adulthood generation. And this was a theory by Jeffrey Arnett and he wrote a book we'll list all these books in the show notes called Emerging Adult and he identified this age between 18 and 27. That goes up pretty high 27 is, you know, they're out of school for a while and he's saying that this is a a stage of development now which he calls emerging adulthood, where they're not an adolescent anymore. They're certainly beyond that, but they're not really an adult. And he gives all the characteristics about it but the the fact that that they really still are in this in-between stage, um up, you know, 26, 27 years old, and that adulthood is now really more a kind of a feeling and a process that they sort of grow into, rather than I think previous generations often saw this with strict milestones.

Speaker 2:

You graduate from college, you are an adult. You get a job, you are an adult. You get married, you are an adult. And now the generation is saying well, you know, I may be hitting those milestones, but I still don't exactly feel like an adult. I think there was a quote in another book I can talk about it a little later called the Accordion Family, and someone who said well, I'm not an adult yet, though I'm now becoming it. And this idea of gradual becoming, and as part of this, this generation is really postponing things like marriage till a lot later. So the financial part is huge, but it's not the only one. So even students who can afford perhaps to move out might choose not to.

Speaker 3:

It's a developmental stage that is elongated. It's definitely longer than it than it has been Um. So this um, this trend, um is uh. You know there are a lot of complicated feelings attached to this Um. You know, there some parents are feeling, um, like it's a it's a bad thing when their kids come back, and some kids, some parents, are feeling like it's a bad thing when their kids come back, and some parents are feeling proud that they can help their kids in the process. I read one article from a man who was talking about his son and saying that his son came back three times before he finally left. I know how that is, yeah Right. And he says, you know, what he says is that the support that his son received allowed them to, you know, graduate from college without a huge debt and allowed his son to save up money to get his first home, which might be out of reach totally for so many kids and I know, vicki, you went through that.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I've lived that. So I have three daughters and all of them moved home for a while after they graduated from college. Well, they sort of got their feet under them, got a job and all of that. And then one of our daughters so she moved home after college. She was here for a year or so and then she moved out and was on her own for a little while, and then she moved back and then was home for a little while, and then she moved out and then got married and they had an apartment for a while.

Speaker 2:

And then they came to us and said we know we are never going to be able to buy a house at this rate because we're paying this rent and there's not a lot left over. If we could move back in with you for a little while, we think we could make this happen and save up. And so she moved back again this was the third time with a husband and a dog, so life was a little bit different. But it was exactly what they needed to do and they were here for a while and saved up and were able to do that. So it made it happen.

Speaker 3:

And I think that, again, part of why we're talking about this is to normalize it. You know there are messages that we're getting out there that tell us that this is a bad thing. And you know, I found you know I, I found this a book that is very popular, um, and it's called um failure to launch, why you're 20 something hasn't grown up by Mark McConville, who is a clinical psychologist from Ohio, and there's some, you know, really good stuff in that book, but the title wrinkles. You know good stuff in that book, but the title wrinkles. You know it bothers me because it the assumption is it's a failure, totally, it's a failure for your, your kids, and it's a failure for you, um, and I don't think it's that clear-cut, I think it's more complicated than that I'm with you.

Speaker 2:

I'm not liking that title, uh, because and it not only that it has failure, but it's like what we want to do is just launch them. Let's just get them out into the world, ready or not. Here they come. But there's another thing that that title makes me think about, and that is that, yes, a lot, maybe even the majority of students are coming home because financial reasons or practical things like that. But I think there are some students who need to need really to move home after college because they aren't yet ready to live on their own. They really do need a little more time, a little more maturity, a little more mentoring, a little more role modeling, so they may need a little more help getting some of the life skills and it provides that opportunity. So it just keeps expanding all of the reasons why students need to move back home.

Speaker 3:

And we really don't know how to do it. I mean it's, you know, just like parenting in general. You know I, so much of it is sort of you know, you figure it out as you do it, and and we really don't know how to do this in a way that supports our kids growth into independence. And you know it, independence it's difficult to do that. Another book that I've bumped into that I am really interested by is a book called you and your Adult Child how to Grow Together in Challenging Times by Lauren Steinberg, and I know you have this book and I want to borrow it. I do. But one of the things he says in the book is you know, nobody knows what the rules are and nobody knows how to do this well, and that's true. We don't have a lot of experience behind us to draw on sort of inherited experience to show us how to parent in this way.

Speaker 2:

We didn't do that. Majority of us didn't move home. So it was more common previously that you graduated from college and you moved out on your own because it wasn't as hard financially. And it was what you did and I know you've talked to Lynn about. Well, I lived with three roommates to make it happen and we did a lot of that. But it means we haven't experienced moving back into our parents' homes. So we have nothing to model, we have nothing to follow to say, oh, this is how it worked when I moved home and so we're inventing it as we go along.

Speaker 3:

Right, you know, when working as a learning specialist, I had the honor actually to work with many students from around the world. I worked with a lot of international students and I got to see that although this is not the norm in America, it is the norm in many countries and you know I know a lot of students from Europe, from Asian countries. You know that was the norm. They go back home and in our country we tend to value independence, you know, we value doing it on your own and I kind of hope that changes just a little bit as and some changes in our culture perhaps we're also seeing more multi-generational families.

Speaker 2:

So it's not just the kids are coming home, but you've got the grandparents sometimes, which again is so common in so many countries around the world. So maybe we're just getting in step a little bit with what some other countries do. But you know, because it's so new and we're inventing it as we go along, it can be hard and there are other emotional things to deal with. I think perhaps you know that once we've gotten used to the empty nest and we talk so much about empty nesters and you know it's going to be hard when our kids leave home and go to college and we're going to have the empty nest. But four years later we may have actually gotten quite used to the empty nest and it feels pretty good.

Speaker 3:

I've actually gotten quite used to the empty nest and it feels pretty good.

Speaker 2:

It's quiet, it's you know, things aren't all over the house, that you haven't put all over the house and you get to come and go as you want. I mean, there's some things that we've gotten used to and then your student comes home again. It disrupts all of that and for some families it may even mean having to postpone some of their life plans. Perhaps they were beginning to get ready to downsize and now they can't do that because their student is back home or possibly retirement or travel, whatever, who knows. But it's disruptive to our lives as well. I mean, it can be good and we want to talk about some of the positives, but we need to be ready for the fact that it may disrupt our lives a little bit.

Speaker 3:

Right. So if this is happening to you or you want to prepare a little more for when it happens or when it happens.

Speaker 3:

um, we do have some ideas about how to make it run a little bit smoother. Um one, um. One thing I I think is really important. Well, I think the biggest thing is to sit down and have conversation about how it's going to work, because it needs to be clear. You know your kids are adults and they have changed. They left and now they're coming back. They're different and you're different.

Speaker 3:

So to have a conversation about how it's going to work is crucial. So to have a conversation about how it's going to work is crucial. You may want to have a discussion about whether your kids are going to contribute financially to the running of the household or not just financially. How they're going to contribute to the household, you know, are they going to be required to do some chores? Are they going to, you know, are they going to pay rent? Are they going to contribute to food shopping? Sometimes some people would say that having kids contribute is a way to acknowledge their adulthood and help them feel that they are roommates rather than you know, just your kids, and that can be helpful or not.

Speaker 2:

I think that's really important, because if they just come home and they're you know I want to say freeloading, just living home.

Speaker 2:

it's just so easy then to fall back into that high school mentality. And so to help them continue to feel as an adult, even if they're moving home because of financial reasons. I mean, it seems almost a contradiction my kid's moving home because they want to save up for an apartment or a house or whatever, but yet I'm asking them to pay some money. But I think it does help them feel. You know that this is a different stage of life and there are different ways to do that. I know again.

Speaker 2:

You know our experience when my daughter and her husband and dog came home. We had a dog at the time too and they didn't like each other. So we lived with a lot of gates around our house for a little while, but that's okay, we managed. But we asked them to pay us essentially what it cost us to have them here. So that was increased water use, you know, a little bit toward the water bill, the electric bill, not so much the heat, because we had to heat the house whether they were here or not, but some of those life expenses, utility bills.

Speaker 2:

And then we cooked separately again so that we could feel a little different. You know we were one family but we were two families. But I bought a lot of the staples. You know the flour, the bread, you know the sugar, the salt, the pepper, the ketchup, you know that sort of stuff. So they paid a little bit toward food and then we kept them separate. We had to really negotiate over space in the refrigerator, but that was probably the hardest thing kept them separate. We had to really negotiate over space in the refrigerator, but that was probably the hardest thing having them here. And so that's what we did. I know we had friends who were in a similar situation and they had their daughter pay a small rent but that rent every month went into a savings account which when she moved out then she could use for a first deposit or whatever, that's an interesting way to go.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, but she had that feeling of every month. It gave her practice of having to say, every month I have to set this amount aside, and so she was in that habit by the time she got her own apartment. So there are lots of ways to do it, but I think you're right Having that really important conversation at the beginning are you just going to be a renter or are you going to be a member of the family? Do you have responsibilities around the house? You know, am I going to ask you to drive siblings somewhere sometime? Or, um, you know when it, when it snows, are you going to go out and help a shovel or you know whatever? Yeah, um, I think those conversations early on, before it becomes an issue why don't you ever help?

Speaker 3:

well, because I'm paying your rent um is really important you know, another thing to um be aware of is how easy it is for us, as parents, to put our kids first and to sacrifice our own you know, our own lives, you know. Back to this Thrivent survey, some of the data I thought was, you know, interesting. They found that 38% of the parents whose kids did come back were struggling to pay off their own debt. That was up from 23% last year. So you know we have debt we're working on too, and this puts things off. Also, 38% of the parents said that they find it harder to save up for retirement, and that's up from 16% just the previous year.

Speaker 3:

Those are huge jumps, yeah, so, and it makes sense that you know that you put things on hold when your kids need you, and yet step back. What we're saying is step back and take a look at it and keep your perspective. One tip that I think is maybe really helpful is to find a financial um uh, help, you know support person, a financial planner or somebody who, who understands um, who can step back and see your story, your your picture the bigger picture help you figure this out.

Speaker 3:

It'll also help you put some guidelines on how long you can handle this.

Speaker 2:

It's really helpful to get some outside advice and if you have a financial planner or you connect with one, it might be a good idea to suggest that your student meet with the financial planner too and begin really early on. You know, I know. You know when we were starting out when I was starting out and then when we were first married we weren't always making the smartest financial decisions.

Speaker 3:

I can tell you we did not. Yes.

Speaker 2:

I said we weren't always like. Most of the time we weren't, and boy, I think things would be a little bit different if we had been a little smarter early on. So if you're working with a financial planner, just set your student up and say you know, why not talk to this person? And just begin. You may or may not be able to start setting a lot aside yet, but you begin to understand how it all works and they can help you think. I think that's really really good advice. And you know to add a couple of things.

Speaker 2:

I've already talked about communication and you talked about communication. So we agree on that and that it's really important. And and some of those conversations, um, about what the house rules are going to be and what the expectations are, and you know, even things like that that are different from high school can your student have guests? Can can your student have overnight guests? Can your students have student have parties I just talking about those things from the outset keeps them a little bit more objective.

Speaker 2:

And then one other that I think is really important, and I know this from experience, not so much with our daughters, but actually with one of our daughter's roommates who came home with her and lived with us for a while, and that is at the very beginning to have a conversation about an end date, or at least set a date that you will reevaluate how this is going, so that it doesn't become something that you say I don't think this is working anymore. Now how are we going to talk about that? But it just becomes automatic Every six months or every year or every three months, whatever feels right to you. You say we're going to sit down and just look at how things are going. Is it going the way we expected? Are you making the progress you had hoped? Do you have any plans? Do you have a job? Whatever it is important to talk about, but you have a set date every six months or every year, whatever it will be, makes it so much easier.

Speaker 2:

Oh it's been six months. It's time for us to sit down and just look at things Right.

Speaker 3:

It's a re-evaluation and just look at things.

Speaker 2:

Right, it's a re-evaluation.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I think it helps everybody in their thinking and just also recognizing this is hard for your student too.

Speaker 2:

It's so easy for both parents and students to fall back into all the old habits and recognizing that your student is now really more like a roommate and recognizing that your student is now really more like a roommate, that they are an adult and if you had a roommate, things like their bedroom would be off limits or asking them where they're going or what they're doing I mean, you have a natural interest, but really walking that tightrope between being a parent but now being the parent of an adult, it's a hard shift and, just as you know, we talk a lot about when you go, when you send your student away to college.

Speaker 2:

Your role shifts from caretaking to coaching and now this is another shift in your parenting role. You're still a parent. You're going to be a parent, you know forever but your role shifts and so respecting their privacy and treating them a little different, it's really like it's more of a lateral thing rather than a hierarchical thing. It's not parents up here and then your student is next rung down on the ladder. You're really more parallel. So it's a mental shift for everybody.

Speaker 3:

You know, with every shift that happens, with everything, in fact, that life throws at us, that may be difficult.

Speaker 3:

There really are opportunities, and so I want to take a quick look at some of the pluses of this situation. You know, I see one plus is learning with your kids together, and I'm thinking about money again. I keep going back to the financial piece, I think, because you know, I know we've made some mistakes and we're learning as adults. You know more about how to manage and so to share that equally with your kids. I mean, we now have conversations with our kids about budgeting and about how to save money, about how to get rid of debt, even about how to invest money, but we're doing it with our kids so we can be honest, we can have good conversations. It's not about us being the expert and them being the children. So it's an opportunity to learn together about something that is really not often talked about. You know, we had that podcast recently about politics and government and how that's a topic that isn't really talked about with distance often, and finances are the same kind of thing that happens.

Speaker 2:

I think when you do that and you're learning together and you're going through some of these things together, it's a chance to talk about values a chance to instill some of that, not to say this is how you need to do it, because this is what's important, but it just comes up in conversation and so there is more of that role modeling and that understanding. Here's why we're making some of these decisions we're making, here's what's important to us in life, and it helps students and parents explore those things together and learning. Not only are they are students learning from us, but we're learning from them as well and and you know, I think it helps us feel needed as parents that you know, if they graduate college and they just go and they move out. I mean, one thing I read was that students and parents often communicate like students who are not living home. Parents often communicate like students who are not living home. They communicate more after the student graduates from college than they actually did in college, because they may be calling home for a little advice how do I do this, how do I do that or to share what's happening in their life.

Speaker 2:

So it helps us when our students move home, we feel we're providing that safety net for them, we're providing a sort of a shelter and we're providing, you know, we're helping them get on their feet and that helps us feel needed as parents, that we still have a job to do, and that's a real positive outcome of this whole thing.

Speaker 2:

And it also helps us get to know our student as an adult in a new way, not just to remember what they were like in high school, but living day to day with them. To remember what they were like in high school, but living day to day with them. You know, I think I know I began to appreciate and sometimes be kind of surprised at what my daughters could do or knew or how they went about things. And that was cool and one of the things when the one that came home with her husband we got to know our son-in-law in a way. I mean, in some ways we know him better than our other. They're all married now, so you know our other sons-in-law because we lived with them day to day and that was a positive you know, you know.

Speaker 3:

I think there are a lot of positives there too, because I know for me, when one of my sons came, kids dug out my garden in the back, you know, and and did that like hardcore work for me, which was which was really fun and gave them the feeling that they were contributing to the household of them. I get the best recommendations from one of my sons on music and books. Oh my God, I'm up to date because he's telling me new stuff that I would never.

Speaker 2:

It actually keeps us younger because we learn a little bit about their culture and we hear a little bit. Sometimes we hear their music or what they know, what they're watching or whatever. But it also keeps us flexible, you know, when it's that empty nest and it's just us and we kind of settle in to our routine. And now, you know, things were shaken up a little bit. So that's what makes us so young and spry and hip.

Speaker 1:

And you know, I date myself by calling something hip you know right there.

Speaker 2:

But, yeah, it's easy to focus on the emotional hardships and you know how tough it can be, but there are a lot of really great things too.

Speaker 3:

I think we want to talk about books too, I think we want to talk about books. Yeah, I think so. We will be putting the names of books in our show notes, but I'd like to mention just maybe even a few more. So the two books that I'm thinking of that have just come out recently and have a lot of attention on them right now. One of them I already mentioned, which is the Lauren Steinberg you and your Adult Child how to Grow Together in Challenging Times it's really, you know, just came out and it's good. Another book and I had seen this book plastered around a bookstore I walked into, so it's getting a lot of press and it's about mental health issues and the name of the book is the Anxious Generation how the Great Rewiring of Childhood is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness. And it's by Jonathan Haidt and it addresses some of the issues that are going on present tense for young adults, for emerging adults. Great information in there.

Speaker 2:

Anxiety is really a big one. I mean, that's a hot topic for all of us.

Speaker 3:

And then one other book I want to just recommend. It's an older book, 2018, and it is by Martin Seligman, called the Hope Circuit. It's one of the first books out. I mean he was very involved in positive, for you know the importance of virtues like gratitude and hope and wisdom and just good reminders for all of us right now.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I think we could all use a little bit of that. That might be a book for parents and students even to read together, to share um or to just leave around. And one of the advantages of having them home is you know, if you find something, you kind of leave it around and they pick it up and you never know. Um, yeah, and I would just add a couple um. I've already mentioned jeffrey arnett's book emerging adulthood. It's really a great way to understand this generation of students.

Speaker 2:

And then another one that's interesting is called the. It's been out a little while but the information doesn't change and it's called the accordion family. If you think about an accordion that you know that gets bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller. So it's the accordion family boomerang, kids, anxious parents and the private toll of global competition. By Catherine S Newman. Some of it explores a little more that sort of sociological thing of what you were talking about earlier, lynn, of how families exist in other places around the world, different kinds of families and how they work. But then there's also a couple of. There are a couple of good sections on. You know, what do you do when these multi-generational families, you know it kind of grows and changes. So that's an interesting one if people are really interested in exploring this topic.

Speaker 2:

And the last one that I would mention is a book. I mean parents might enjoy it too. I learned a couple of things, but more a book to give to your student and we had an interview with the author. We'll put the link in the show notes to the earlier interview with Amanda Morin, who is the author of this book, and it's called Adulting Made Easy and it's fun. She's got a great sense of humor.

Speaker 2:

Your kids will like it, but it's just a lot of the things that maybe nobody ever told you but that you need when you're an adult. So if your student is home and getting ready to go out into the world, it's a great book, and if your student is going straight from college to living on their own, it's a super book. And it's just little things like how do I know what kind of fire extinguisher I should have in my apartment? How do I register to vote? You know how do I manage this sort of thing? How do I fix a leaky toilet? I mean just lots of things that we take for granted as things in our adult lives, but written with humor and short little things.

Speaker 2:

Your kids will enjoy that Adulting Made Easy by Amanda Morin. So we'll put all of those in the show notes, because we always like to talk about books and some people like to take you know. Hopefully, we present some ideas and people want to explore them a little bit further, and that's a good thing, so we hope it's helpful. If you have a student moving home, if you have a student graduating soon and moving home, you might want to think about some of these things and if you don't, if you're at a different place in your parenting journey. If you know somebody who might find this helpful or interesting, please let them know about this episode. But about the podcast, the best, the best thing for us is word of mouth sharing with other people.

Speaker 2:

So if you know someone who might be interested in College Parent Central website, which has you know, I looked at the thing, getting close to 900 articles on that thing, on all of these topics, and we're in our sixth season of the podcast, so we've got a bunch of episodes, too, for people to listen to. So thanks for sticking with us to the end and we'll see you next time. See you later.