College Parent Central Podcast

#109 – Encore Episode -The College Decision Dilemma: What Happens Once Those Admission Letters Arrive?

• Vicki Nelson and Lynn Abrahams • Season 5 • Episode 109

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Here’s an encore of an earlier podcast episode that we think is so important it deserves to be released again. If your student is making their decision right now, you may need to hear this. The college admission process begins earlier and earlier and sometimes seems to go on forever. When those highly anticipated acceptance letters begin to arrive, the process enters a new phase. The ball is now in your student’s court to make a decision. What is your role as a parent at this stage? In this episode Vicki and Lynn unpack some of the emotions and practical steps you and your student can take as your student looks for the school with the best “fit,” perhaps moves to their second choice of school, or copes with being on a Waitlist. As your student makes this final decision, everyone’s roles begin to shift.

Thank you for listening!

Speaker 1:

Hello podcast listeners. This week we're sharing another Encore episode. Just in case you missed it the first time around or it wasn't relevant to you at that time, many families are right now at that point in the semester when the ball's in your student's court, the accept letters are in and your student needs to make that final decision about where to go. This can be a stressful time for everyone, so we're re-releasing our episode the College Decision Dilemma what happens once those admission letters arrive? We hope it's helpful.

Speaker 2:

Welcome to the College Parent Central podcast. Whether your child is just beginning the college admission process or is already in college, this podcast is for you. You'll find food for thought and information about college and about navigating that delicate balance of guidance, involvement and knowing when to get out of the way. Join your hosts as they share support and a celebration of the amazing experience of having a child in college having a child in college.

Speaker 1:

Welcome back to the College Parent Central podcast. I'm Vicki Nelson and I'm here with Lynn Abrahams, and we're here together again to talk about college parenting. To talk about college parenting, to talk about all the things that are involved as your role shifts and transitions and changes, to talk about the beginning of the process and as you're living through the process and perhaps even as you and your student graduate toward the end. But this week on our podcast, we wanted to talk a little bit about admission. We don't talk a lot about admissions. It's covered so much everywhere there are websites, there are books, there are counselors. Admission is a big topic and we don't cover it, not because it is important, but because it's so well covered. However, there are some topics that are especially important for parents, we think, and so every now and then we do like to talk a little bit about the very beginning of the process or what's happening before you officially become a college parent, although in some ways, you are a college parent as soon as your student begins to think about college and you begin that process. So we are going to talk a little bit about admission, but not so much about the getting in as much as what happens once your student does get accepted. That's a very interesting stage that those admissions letters hopefully have begun to arrive and hopefully it's all good news. It may not be, and there are some things to think about there. But now things shift. There are some interesting things that happen for your student. Once those letters begin to come, it's suddenly in your student's court again. They need to make a decision. They need to think about finding a school with the best fit and a couple of very specific situations. Perhaps for some students it's the time when they need to move on to the second choice college or they may find themselves on a wait list. There are some specific things that they need to think about and then comes that moment when they need to make that final decision and parents need to think about what's next for them. So we're talking about admission and we're talking about what happens when the letters arrive and what we call the decision dilemma that the student needs now to think about making that final choice.

Speaker 1:

And all the research on relationships with students and parents, all the surveys that are out there, have said that the majority of students say that their parents will help them make their decision. It's not something that they make in a vacuum will help them make their decision. It's not something that they make in a vacuum and they may or may not talk to us and have real conversations with us, but they're listening and they do sometimes want our help with this. It's an extremely stressful time for students. We talk about the stress of the wait, but as hard as it is to wait, now it shifts and there's the stress of oh my goodness, now I have to make a decision and it's really just the beginning of the college journey, but it feels so final to so many students that it can feel overwhelming.

Speaker 1:

I think one of the first things as parents that we need to keep in mind is that this has to be our students' decision. They want to hear from us and they, in most cases, I think you know, respect whatever we have to say, but it needs to be their students' decision. If there's pressure from parents to go to a certain school or for whatever reason and it ever doesn't work out, it will always be the parent's fault, so it always will be our fault. So it's a decision that student needs to make and we need to be a passenger along on the journey. We've talked about being out of the driver's seat, but we need to be careful not to be a backseat driver.

Speaker 3:

So, once the letters come and it's time to make that decision, I think the first thing to do really is to congratulate our students. Oh, absolutely, they get in anywhere. That's exciting. Yes, and again, you know, I want to remind our audience that Vicki and I are speaking from both a professional and personal you know place. We both have kids who have gone through this process and we both work at a four year liberal arts college. I work with learning differences and Vicki is a communications professor and has been the interim director for our advising I mean our admission advising.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, not admission.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, advising Um. So we're coming at this from both sides, but this is a huge shift once they get their letters.

Speaker 1:

I think that first letter that comes, even if it's not to the favorite school, a school that they want it's a relief when my oldest daughter got that first acceptance, and it was a phone call, it wasn't a letter, and it just so happened that it came on her birthday, which is nice too, and I was out. It's one of those where you remember exactly where you were.

Speaker 1:

And I was bringing groceries in from the car and she came flying out the door and she said I'm going to college and it didn't matter where it was not her first choice of school. She had to wait a little while before she heard from that school, but someone wanted her. And it was a very big moment, so taking time to just savor that moment and congratulate your student is a great first step.

Speaker 3:

Right. It's also important at that time to remind our students that there really isn't any one perfect college. There just isn't. Any college is going to have its pluses and minuses, and it's really more about what our students do at these different colleges. It's not just the college. So it's good to kind of diffuse that a little bit. There's no perfect choice. So now's the time also to look at financial aid offers and start to consider the whole decision in a more realistic way. You're on a different level of decision-making now. It's good to help students think about what matters most now that they start getting in some letters. Is it a large university? Is it a small school? Is it urban or rural small school? As an urban or rural, um, in some ways, um, we were lucky in our household because both of my sons wanted um. They applied to very few schools and they applied to a very the kind of school that they wanted and luckily they both got into.

Speaker 1:

So they had done some of that thinking pre-application Before and certain things rise up and certain things are less important as you really begin to think it and you aren't comparing in quite the same sort of way and you know some students will find at this stage that they need more information.

Speaker 1:

Some students have applied to certain schools and have never visited, so they may need to go and visit the school. If there's an accepted student day or something of that, that admissions runs and it's possible to get there, it's possible to get there. That's a great way to go and also see who some of the other students are who were accepted and meet some students in that way. Do a campus visit, do an overnight Many schools will allow a student to stay overnight in a residence hall and that's really important to talk to the department that your student is thinking of majoring in and begin to meet some of the professors and see the facilities.

Speaker 3:

Even perhaps and if students have learning differences, they want to check out the support services. This is the time to do that and to really start making some comparisons between the choices.

Speaker 1:

So it's really the finer tuning information that you want to get. And it's important, I think, for parents to be a sounding board at this stage and to listen to your student, as your student is talking about. You know. Well, I think this and this matters and I don't think I care about that. I don't think I care about that. But parents don't need to provide answers, just be a listening ear sometimes and then to say, well, have you checked the website or do you want to call the department or should we go visit? And to just sort of keep encouraging the questioning. And then, you know, I think one of the things, that's one of the hardest things for parents to do at this stage, is to leave your student alone and let them wrestle with the decision. It's very difficult to watch them go back and forth and it's very difficult not to ask every morning. You know, have you made a decision yet? What are you thinking?

Speaker 2:

now.

Speaker 1:

I absolutely raise my hand for being guilty of that, particularly with my third daughter. The other two seem to go with the flow a little more, but our third one was down to two. She, she got accepted to several places and she had narrowed it down to two and I just kept saying you know, have you, have you made a decision yet? What are you thinking? What are you? What are you going on?

Speaker 1:

And I think I I could have backed off just a little bit more and just let her have time to sit with it for a while and not talk about it.

Speaker 3:

That makes a lot of sense. Part of what students, well, and our parents too, are thinking about is you know what is the best fit, and you know you want to think about. Well, first of all, what does that mean? I mean, that's kind of it's kind of complex. You know what is the best fit. I think of it as finding a place that feels like home or like you could imagine living there. I know when both of my sons were looking at colleges, we went around and had a meal at every single institution.

Speaker 3:

We had lunch and really I mean we're looking at the food, we're looking at the environment, looking at the other students, just to see how it felt. Both of my sons and this is sort of an odd thing, but they both wanted to go to the bookstores For some reason. They just wanted to check out what's the bookstore like.

Speaker 1:

You know, I think fit is one of those things. You know it when you see it, yeah Right.

Speaker 3:

It feels right, and there's so many parts of it too, though you know. You want to know if it feels right academically, if it feels right socially, if it feels right in terms of your interests and who you are. Some students want to make sure that there's some religious connection.

Speaker 1:

you know institution there, or I mean there's so many different places to check out and, and you know, as you're mentioning all of these things, I'm thinking it's a lot like finding a partner, A partner.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, yeah, you know, you'll know it when you see it and you know when it's just right.

Speaker 1:

But in order to really find that good match whether you're looking for a partner or you're looking for a college and probably other things as well it really starts by knowing yourself first. You have to know what matters to you, and you know what are the things that are going to make a difference in the way that you live your day-to-day life. What do you need, what do you want? What are the things that will help you thrive?

Speaker 1:

And then you begin to look at the school and see does that have those things? But it's an internal thing to start with, and then you begin to gather more information. You encourage your student to read everything that comes, to spend more time on the website and to look with new eyes. Now You're not looking. Do I want to apply to this school? But as I watch all of those students that are pictured on the website and I hear about, I read about the activities, can I see myself there? And again, if you can visit, if you can sit in on a class and go overnight, talk to students. If you can visit, if you can sit in on a class and go overnight, talk to students, not just the admissions tour guides, but try to get some other students and just say you know what's it like here and what do you do on the weekends and all of those things.

Speaker 1:

eat in the cafeteria is a great way to do that sort of thing. Just go sit in the library or sit in the middle of the quad and just watch people coming and going. Go to Accepted Students Day. If there's a school newspaper, read the newspaper. If there's a radio station, listen to the radio Just anything you can do and see how it feels and then trust the chemistry.

Speaker 3:

Right, but again I want to remind everyone that the more your student is doing of all of this, the better.

Speaker 3:

I mean, this is not our job as parents. The more your students do of this. It where the conversation comes up about deferral, or is this the right time to go to school? Or if students are really dragging their feet, there might be a reason for it. And also, again, with students with learning differences. As parents we want to sort of swoop in and help them, make it easier for them to do this, but the more they do, the better. I do remember a student I work with. By the time he came as a first year student, didn't know how to get on his portal and look for information because his parents did it.

Speaker 3:

And so that's again to you know, just remember that.

Speaker 1:

And we have an earlier podcast on taking a gap year and post-grad year and deferral and so go back and perhaps listen to that if this is beginning to feel that, to feel as though this is something you might want to be thinking about. But I know it's also hard sometimes to trust that gut feeling and that's where that analogy to finding a partner, finding a mate, it really works that sometimes it's both a head and a heart decision Right. And I know again with one of my daughters we looked at two schools that on paper were really identical, about the same size they both happen to be women's colleges.

Speaker 1:

They were in, they were very close to each other in, so they were in the same type of environment. I mean, on paper you couldn't tell them apart. And we got on one campus for our visit and really she said how long do we have to stay?

Speaker 3:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

I'm ready to go, and the other one you. She just relaxed as soon as she got there and we visited about three times. She just couldn't find out enough about it. And it was nothing intellectual, it was really just a feeling.

Speaker 3:

So now also is the time to start thinking about how to fall in love with your second choice or your third choice, you know, because it just may happen that way that the top choice you know you don't get into and you know you could. You know, look at other choices. Institute at UCLA did a study and they found that fewer than 57% of students in the US attend the first choice. So that's a little bit lower, but what's interesting is that over 75% were admitted to their first choice. So there's a shift between students who choose their first choice. Yes, you know, they may think they want that and then decide they don't, or there might be just financial reasons. The financial packages start coming out and that often you know will contribute and will contribute. They also found out that 62% of students who don't attend to their first choice is because of finances Finances, okay.

Speaker 3:

So, it's like the reality hits and then there are different components of the decision.

Speaker 1:

And reminding if your student needs to move to a second choice. Remind them that so many students don't attend their first choice of college. Only slightly more than half of students go where they thought they wanted to go, for whatever reason. Right, and you know, one of the things that I find so encouraging, and I think it's important to make sure your student understands, and that is that all of the recent research is finding that what matters for success and retention, finishing and all of that at college is the student's attitude about where they are and what they do when they get there. It's not the school, absolutely.

Speaker 1:

And there's a wonderful book we always have our favorite books and one that I read a little while ago called it's the Student, not the College, and the author is Kat Klaus, and we'll put a link to it in the show notes. But that's exactly what she says in her book that it's what students do when they get there and how they make use of the resources and what their attitude is about being there. That any student can be successful at any school if they have the right attitude and do the right things when they get there.

Speaker 1:

So it's a great book for parents to read and to share with students. Maybe you know, have a little family book club and read the book and talk about it, so helping students make that adjustment to their second choice is a task, and that is a job that parents can take on, especially if they're moving to their second choice either because they weren't accepted at that first one, or because now you look and financially it just isn't going to happen.

Speaker 1:

So it's it's really not your students choice to have to go to the runner up, and I think you know one of the first things to do, just the way when the letters came, let's celebrate. I think now one of the things is to honor your students' disappointment. It's real.

Speaker 1:

And you know I get it. It's very disappointing and, you know, let them live with that for a little bit. There are all kinds of emotions that they're probably feeling Sometimes if they weren't accepted. I don't feel good enough, I feel like a failure, and so helping students understand that admission to a college is an art it's not necessarily a science that admissions officers are trying to put together a balanced class and they can't take all football quarterbacks and so they're trying to put together a mix of gender and a mix of diversity and a mix of interests and majors and all of that. So it's not necessarily you weren't good enough to get in the mix just wasn't necessarily right for you.

Speaker 1:

And it's especially difficult if the reason that the student can't go is because of finances and it's important to really help them understand the reality of that. Help your student consider what matters to them, you know, those things that they might be able to find somewhere else. What's their must-have list? Must-have list you know. Hold up that mirror to them and help them do that internal searching that they need to do to find the right match. And perhaps, you know, suggest just close your eyes and visualize your college experience. Where do you see yourself?

Speaker 2:

What do you see?

Speaker 1:

yourself doing what's it like? And then look and say which of these schools come closest to that and really think too the bigger picture of what matters in your life Is it money? Is it absolutely? I want the school that's going to give me the job right out of the gate. Is it more important to me to change the world? That's going to be a different kind of school. It's going to prepare me in a different way. Is it community action? Is it diversity?

Speaker 1:

I really want to go to the place where I'm going to find all kinds of people who are not like me. Is it challenge? Is it social connections, is it career? What are those things that really matter? And which school comes closest? And then again you know the bottom line is in some ways trust your gut. And parent may be saying that doesn't, I don't know, I don't get it, and the student says I really can't explain why, but it feels right.

Speaker 3:

Right. And once that decision's made first of all, that's the beginning of a real shift. Yes, that's when things start changing, but that's when you can revisit the whole thing with different eyes and look at everything again and you know the bottom line is that's. You know the new school really wants the students and believes that in them.

Speaker 2:

Yes.

Speaker 3:

And this is the time for a new relationship to kind of begin.

Speaker 1:

Yeah there's that May 1st deadline, the national reply-by deadline, and it feels like such such a big decision, Right, but it is important for the student to say you know all right, I got rejected from this school, but this one really wants me.

Speaker 2:

And this one really thinks.

Speaker 1:

I can survive there and do a good job, and then encouraging your student to take the leap and actually make that decision.

Speaker 3:

Now what happens if they're waitlisted?

Speaker 1:

What does that mean? That's a whole different situation, because now I'm in limbo and as many as 10% of students get waitlisted and I'm not in and I'm not out. So I might be waitlisted at my first choice of school but I need to go ahead. I'm stymied. I want to go to this school and they're saying I'm on a wait list and that means the school wants me, I'm qualified, but they don't have a place for me right now.

Speaker 1:

And so understanding a little bit about that admissions process again, I think helps that the admissions office is trying to put together a balanced class. And it may be that you are completely qualified, but there isn't a spot for you and your interests. And they say, if someone else chooses not to come, because schools accept many more, many, many more students than they know will come, and then some of those students who are accepted say no, I'm going to go somewhere else. And then a spot opens up and I think sometimes students and parents have asked and said well, where am I on the waitlist?

Speaker 1:

How do I know? Am I number two on the waitlist or am I number 56 on the waitlist? And the reality is that the WAVE list is usually not a ranked list.

Speaker 1:

It's a pool of students who are qualified but weren't accepted right now and so if a spot opens up, the admissions office will usually go back and revisit the whole list and say what do we need right now? And you may. You may just be that lucky French horn player that the school needs in their orchestra and so you get accepted. But it could be that you're a tennis player and their tennis roster is full. So there really is no way of knowing and they will go back but reminding your student that this is not a rejection.

Speaker 1:

Right, it's saying you are qualified and perhaps we will have a space for you. Some statistics have said that about 30% of waitlisted students will eventually get accepted. So, it's, you know it's. It's not a majority, yeah, and I think that's important to to say it's time to you know, maybe move ahead with something else. But, right now I'm sitting on the bench and waiting to play else.

Speaker 3:

But right now I'm sitting on the bench and waiting to play Right. So at the time that you're moving ahead, you might want to think about sending a letter to the school you're waitlisted at to let them know that you still are interested.

Speaker 3:

just to keep that going, you might want to send new information. You know if you've gotten, you know senior grades or you know awards or you know something. You want to give them that extra information and then also move ahead at the same time with the other school that was chosen as the next best choice.

Speaker 1:

So being waitlisted doesn't mean that you just sit and wait Right. There are things to do both at the waitlisted school and at that second choice, so you're making that final decision.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, and sometimes the waitlist. Sometimes you need to wait a long time so you move ahead with that second choice and it might even be summer before someone reaches out and says you've been on our waitlist and now we'd like to offer you a position and for many students to offer you a position and for many students by then they've moved on and so the wait list may not matter to you as much at that point. But then you do need to make a final decision and that's really hard for some students. I know that again.

Speaker 1:

That third daughter that just loved this one particular school and went back and went back. She had another one and she was between these two and I think early on she knew which one she wanted to go to. But she wouldn't sort of pull the trigger on making a decision until about two days before the deadline when she finally did. It's really tough to make that final final choice, but you know it's always a dilemma because it feels so final. But you look again at the financial package and make sure that works and consider all of those things that matter and then finally just take the leap.

Speaker 3:

And that's usually the May 1st deadline, yep, and it is a big, important decision and it is something to celebrate. It might be the time again where um, you know, who knows what's going to happen in your senior year. Sometimes that's a time that students sort of check out of senior year Um senioritis. Yeah, um, but you know who. You know, who knows what, what will happen.

Speaker 1:

but um remind them that, um, you know this is the beginning of something exciting, so you send the deposit and usually there's some relief you know at that point, because there's no decision anymore, it feels very, very different and reminding them too that they have a lot of information that they're basing their decision on. It's not in a vacuum, right. And so your student makes that deposit, makes that decision and is ready to move ahead.

Speaker 1:

And your student is busy now getting ready because now I know where I'm going to go, and you celebrate, and the student has to probably do paperwork and take some placement tests and attend orientation and fill out scheduling forms and fill out housing forms, which they should do and not their parents and parents. You know, I think sometimes we say, oh, now what do I do? Because we, you know, we've been pushing toward this goal for so long and now you know what do I do. And I think, just the way, as soon as that letter arrives, the first thing to do is to celebrate. I think, once that decision is made, it's time to celebrate again.

Speaker 1:

And now, you know, go out and get the car decal and get the sweatshirt that has the name of the college and you know, do those sorts of things and then begin there's some homework for parents to begin to check what are the deadlines and events that, as a parent, I need to pay attention to. Is there a housing deposit? These responsibilities should be moving to students, but they may not be there yet. So you don't want to miss important deadlines for paying the bills and paying the housing deposit and those sorts of things because you've abdicated. And sometimes that means you have to ask your student for that information because it's all going to be going to the student.

Speaker 3:

Right, I was just going to say that that's one of the shifts, that a lot of the information will go directly to your student and it might be by snail mail or it might be by email, but they're the ones who are going to get that information. So that's where it's good to have some conversations.

Speaker 1:

Snail mail has its advantages, because then the letter and the brochure and all sort of winds up on the dining room table somewhere and I can see it, but the things that come electronically. And that's when to really start to talk to your student about communication and about sharing information. And all the way not to do it is to say let me have your password, Let me check your email. I think it's really important to you know, let your student do that and and it's crucial.

Speaker 3:

It's absolutely crucial to let your students be the one in control conversations, but getting those important dates on the family calendar.

Speaker 1:

parents, weekend orientation what are the things? And move-in day and if your student is at a distance and you're going to have to stay overnight, making hotel reservations because, you're not the only one showing up in this university town needing a hotel room. So so sometimes those go very quickly and as early as possible getting some of those things done and making the shift, yeah, and it's also time to take care of yourself.

Speaker 3:

Think about what you need to feel comfortable with this shift. Do you need to, you know, meet with your friends whose kids are also getting ready to go? Do you want to read books? Do you want to listen to this podcast? Do you want to, you know, find ways to find support so that you can enjoy this moment?

Speaker 1:

And then perhaps that empty nest won't be as difficult in the fall, because you've found some things to fill that vacuum that was totally filled up with the whole admissions process.

Speaker 3:

Right, so get ready for a change that could be very positive. It's the beginning of a whole new adventure Right, so talk to your student.

Speaker 1:

If your student is still in high school, perhaps waiting for letters, or letters have just come, it's a time to begin some of those really important conversations that are going to continue and continue and share this information.

Speaker 1:

If you know someone, as you're connecting with other parents whose students are going off to college, share the podcast with them and let them gather some of this information as well. Subscribe if you haven't already done so. We hope that you'll subscribe to the podcast wherever you like to listen to podcasts, and a new episode will be downloaded every time. Usually first and third Wednesdays of the month. We send a new podcast to the internet and visit the website. We'll have show notes there of some of the things that we talked about and books that we mentioned, so you can follow up with that there and and at collegeparentcentralcom, and then talk to us. Leave us a comment, send us an email at podcast at collegeparentcentralcom, tell us what you think, share tips and strategies. If you have some ideas that are helpful, we can share those with others, or ask us questions, things you'd like to hear us talk about. We like to think this is a conversation, but we need information from you to make it a real conversation. So until next time, bye-bye.